I need something to rely on.

Things to keep me sane for the next two years:

THE WANTED. Harry Potter. Christina's rantings. The piano, Merida. My guitar, Cambriel. THE WANTED. Story books. (Pravin wants me to catch up and the LOTR series. Uhm, I shall see first.) Bryan Ong's random pick up lines. My family. Formula One. Lewis Hamilton. Rafael Nadal. English Premier League. Liverpool. Fernando Torres. THE WANTED. My favourite Youtubers. Music. Nathan Sykes. Blogging. Movies. THE WANTED. More of Christina's rantings.

I'm just so afraid I'll lose my mind. Yeah the thing is, I'll be starting my study degree level the week after next. AND I'll be all alone in a big city, and after all those years of pampering from my family, I don't think this will be all a bed of roses. COMPLETELY unexpected. I hadn't expected to find a place for lodging nearby, and somehow it did. Godsend, I want to believe it. But if one thing's for sure, I'll be blogging alot. I think. Well you see, I AM socially awkward. AND I'm leaving the best of my friends behind, and moving on alone to embark on a journey with is quite frightening to say the least. AND AND AND the crowd I'm about to face in my university, isn't really the kind who I can totally click. I mean, I AM socially awkward. I just don't go with anybody and everybody. Yeah, I am an ass. Though there are nice people like Nadia, Ching Yin and Sze Ying, THEY'RE ARE NOT STAYING THERE. See the difference? Few hours of classes, and then ,I'm on my one. And I am hell bent on doing well there. I have to do this.
OH, WHAT THE HELL. If socially awkward is what I am, socially awkward is what I'll be. Whatever. I'll be the awesome socially awkward person. SHOUTOUT TO RACHEL SAW: I'LL MISS YOU, WOMAN. Don't think I can find anyone else like you. After one and a half year, and next thing I know, there will not be any Rachel Saw to entertain me. Sighs.
Why am I even blogging all this, I know not.

Says Nathan Sykes, "Victory, shall be mine." 

You're in control pressing pause on my heartbeat?

It's the last week as an eighteen year old. Eighteen was a nightmare, I tell you, and how very much I want to put the past behind. Put it behind but not forget it, naturally. Because there are good things to it. And I've met loads of wonderful people in the past one and a half year, it's not too bad.

If I get a birthday cake this year, (note that IF, because there's no celebration at home this nineteenth.) there would be just so many things I would wish for. The same things I wish upon the brightest star on certain nights. (The recent haze has bitterly disappointed me everytime I go outside in search for the stars.) Now that I've got a clear view as to what I am going to be facing in my future, I am PETRIFIED. So scared, that at times, it bothers me while I sleep at night, I had to wake up, read Harry Potter, THEN go back to sleep. But we are not talking about my fears here. I can't find words to describe how afraid I am. And I must be the only one. The paranoid parrot.

If there's a wish I DON'T wish upon a star, it must be for a very shallow reason. Don't ask me why, everyone has that depth of shallowness in them. Of course depths vary according to individuals, but without shallowness, how are we ever going to be having fun? So there you go. And I wish... I really really want to marry Nathan Sykes. The guy is practically my REALISTIC dream guy. Not realistic as in I'll have a chance to actually marry him, (Christina has never failed to remind me over and over again that I will never get a chance to date Nath, HEY, I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I?) realistic as in he is the perfect depiction of today's generation. But with good values. Headstrong. Everything I look for in our generation of boys? Because the current wave of male population around me is far from being a the dream teenager. I can't go on elaborating on the 'dream teenager' topic, however.
I'll have to accept the bitter truth that they will NEVER be anyone who is close to the Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne criteria. So easy for teenagers like us today to dream of that perfect Prince Charming in the white horse. Although I've never dreamt of any prince charmings before. When I became old enough to supposingly dream about my other half, I dream about kick-ass billionaires with intelligence next to no other. And a proper attitude naturally. Like I said, Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne. BUT THEY DON'T EXIST. They probably do, in that realm where unicorns roam.
SO. The least I could hope for would be Nathan Sykes. Someone like Nathan Sykes. Every single time there are tabloid rumours about him possibly hooking up with another girl, me (and the rest of the world where his fans are) goes, "I can't believe I had to see, the man of my dreams cheating on me.." (That's what he said.) Which are false of course. Ahhh Nathan, you drive us a hard bargain.
Who cares if he's afraid of roller-coaster rides and swimming with sharks? I've got enough bravado to last both of us. BAHAHA. No really. Come on, nobody's perfect. And I've gotten used to going on roller-coaster rides alone. No big deal.
And he looks like Sid the Sloth. Could I love him more?

I wished for a very special nineteenth, at the start of the year. Celebrations, probably not going to happen. BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, IDIOT. To me it's special. It reminds me of how much I need to channel my inner Harry Potter or Katniss Everdeen to face life. I'll be alright. Here's to a first birthday, all by myself. AND NO I'M NOT FISHING FOR SYMPATHIES. Sometimes you need to be alone to find who you really are. You need to bask in the hardest of times to find your capabilities. I'm more than willing to say goodbye, eighteen. Sunday morning, I'll go on a The Wanted marathon. On my iPod. And you know what's even more awesome? I still use my iPod obsessively everyday despite the half-bitten earphones of mine. Yeah, thanks, Torres. So if in the future, you meet me and say something only within the perimeter of the right side of my ear, and I don't answer you, you know my hearing's damage because only the right side of the earphones is working properly. And it's worth my life to ask my dad for a new one. 

I re-read the post again and wondered, what the hell did I just blogged about. Whatever. 

Someday, I'll Be Strong Enough To Lift, Not One But Both Of Us.

This is it. I'm going to begin a new life in two weeks time. A new life? Sounds dramatic, no? Although I do feel that I've gone through the storm and survived. Time for celebration! The thing is, I have successfully enrolled myself in a law school and am looking at a law career path and you have no idea how much I'm dying inside to do so well in this new path. I really really want to do this. And the consultant who helped me enrol today, was amazing. Her words gave off so much confidence and motivation, I feel I can do this. I KNOW I can do this. What can I say, I'm just so excited. Like a child who's been given a new doll.

These few months, the months I've been on break, have been frustrating and plain crazy. Friends who did not do A-Levels for Pre-U, had got themselves enrolled in universities in their respective courses, starting in September. Ditto for some friends who did A-Levels along with me. EVERYONE'S talking about their universities. How they are all excited for the future. How they are all determined to achieve their ambitions.
And then... there's me. Walking around with the feeling of an axe about to drop on my head any moment now. I have zero idea as to what is going to happen to me. What am I going to do. What if my results are too bad to consider any professional course? What if I have to resit my entire A2 examinations? What if my father do me a favour and kill me before I can think of any solutions to my failure? At some point I was so convinced I'm going to fail. Because the scenario kept popping in my head at the randomest of times, over and over again, and in two months, it has convinced me. But, HALLELUJAH! I didn't, and the nightmare I've been dreading, "Please don't make me go back there." did not happen. I am off to a new adventure. My mom can practically see the spring in my steps.

And I've got my mother's blessings, and that's EVERYTHING I could ask for. Her faith. It's what going to keep me moving. My consultant today, Sabrina, had lay out a challenge for me. A chance to prove myself. And I accepted it. 4 years of blood, sweat and tears? I'm up for it. I get pumped up easily, of course. I just wish it could happen. Whatever that I wish for. I don't think I could stand watching myself disappoint my father yet again. It's been long enough.

Sure I can do this. Wish me luck. "I'll do something epic, and they won't forget me, good enough, not good enough for me." :D

"Be free to write our own story. Follow our hearts and find love in our time." –Merida (Brave)

I'm going to be turning nineteen very soon, and I suppose there's a new start to life along with it too. For now, I can scream, "A-LEVELS IS HISTORY!" You have NO idea how relieved I am. But doesn't stop it from turning my life into a living hell though. My parents probably hate me because I have yet again, disappointed them. Not knowing how relieved and grateful I am to dear God that I finally get to move on.
For me, A-levels, was the biggest mistake I've done, in eighteen years of my life. While waiting for results, I was praying, "Please, please, please don't let me go back there." I don't think I could survive.
Personally, I think my parents were hoping that I would get really good results, and then looking at it I would change my mind and go back to wanting to study medicine. FAT CHANCE. Sorry, mom, sorry dad, but I've have completely lost interest in the science field. Not that I was interested in the first place. In secondary school, you felt like you have no choice. You HAVE to take science stream, because somehow it judges your intelligence. That's what society said. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But now, when I have the choice, THE choice, when I finally got to know what I should be doing, what I CAN do, and what with all the experiences I've obtained in the past one and a half year, nobody's impressed. Let's do that Mckayla Maroney face. Yeah that. Apparently I've spent all my time wasted last few years studying science and I will not be successful because I DO NOT WANT TO DO WHAT PEOPLE ASK ME TO DO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY KNOW ME BETTER. I'm livid alright. I wonder how it's like to live having people around you supporting you through those dark days, and motivating you and willing to help pick you up when you fall. Because trust me, I have none of those. Sometimes it hurts so bad, I just want to give up on life. Forget all the expectations and just drag my feet and just be a person with no ambitions. You just exist. But that's not me. I have big dreams, and I want to live my life to the fullest. But naturally it's not easy when there's little love and care in life. Sighs. I could break down from the words I'm being thrown at. I could cry the entire night and dread the following morning. I could lock myself up and not talk to anyone. But I don't want to because I believe in myself. I alone. And then, there's my friend. Christina, she's a jewel. I envy her, the love and care she gets from home. The support. But she gives me those. Her words, are inspiration. Motivation. Support. Love. Sometimes I feel like asking my parents, if you don't give me the support and love I need even if what I do doesn't make you proud, where else would I go? But I'm sure that will only fall to deaf ears. Christina's words are the source of strength, which makes me believe in me. That I am more than this. I know that because I have achieved great things before. People might have forgotten what I'm capable of, but not me. I am myself and I don't intend to change that. I saw this quote once,

"If you end up with a boring miserable life BECAUSE you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then your deserve it."

How true. That's why I've made my mind. I'm going headstrong into this, and I know I can do it, better than anyone had expected. I am not going to give up. Maybe sometimes in your pursuit of what you want, you'll will somehow end up disappointing others. It doesn't matter. You've got to take control of your own life, no? I know I can do this.

To everyone out there who's chasing your dream after your results yesterday, all the very best. At least I know God is on my side. I couldn't ask for more. I want to have fun and love doing what I do. Like The Wanted.
Or Usain Bolt. The joy they find in what they do. Not the eagerness in wanting to prove something. The pride of sharing their experience with another, it's a wonderful thing. Doesn't matter if anyone cares how my birthday is going to be celebrated, this will be a birthday I'm going to be very proud of myself. I've made it this far, and I'm looking at bigger things ahead of me. Thank you Lord. It's obvious, what doesn't kill makes you stronger. The past one and a half year has.