Lights Will Guide You Home, And Ignite Your Bones, I Will Try, To Fix You

Sometimes when there's just too much in my head, and I need to let it out, I come here. Other times are just to let myself know that, hey, I'm still alive. This time, I need to let it out. I've been in a considerably cheerful mood the past 48 hours, and now I'm feeling depressed like never before. Typical. I should be starting on my assignments, planning and drafting. But I feel like my mind's a complete mess, like I can't do this. Like I need a proper break, see the world, learn to breathe and then focus on my priorities.
What are my priorities? Sometimes, I myself can't answer that. I don't know what I really want in life. I'm still trying to find out. To find out what I want out of life, what I want to be.
I don't want to be in a relationship like most girls my age. No. But with all this weird things happening in my life, all of sudden I feel weak, and shallow. And it's something I hate to feel. I have always wanted things to go my way, but obviously that hardly ever happens. And then you get all that ranting and unnecessary anger I feel up to a point. I can't be in control of myself, how ever am I gonna be in control of my life.
My father may not be the most loving father ever. He's just not the type of father who goes 'my children are my life, I love them to death, and I would give anything for them.' No. Because he had a bad childhood experience with his father, and such bitterness can leave a very deep mark in a person. But he's a father who teaches his kids to always be strong, to always be in control of your own ground and never bow to another. Not directly of course, we don't get a sit down session where he advices us about how life is. No. But we do get an awful loads of scoldings. And I've seen my father working. And making his way from nothing. However much bitter I might feel when he gets into his scolding mode, I must say I am incredibly proud of him. And he's an inspiration like no other.
Just watching him makes me strong. Ambitious. With big dreams. I know I don't think the same way like most people. Although I've had the privilege to meet some people along the way. Doing things their way. I want something big out of my life, something I can be proud of.
It's just sometimes, I feel weak and shallow. Like I want to be ignorant, feel young and have fun like how people stereotyped young people these days. I should hit myself for even wanting that. Because that's not who I am, who I've grown up to be. But it's the impulses and shallowness of the moment that comes once in a while when you feel like letting go and to just have fun. We all have that guilty pleasure. But the last thing I want to be while living life, is ignorant. And I want people to know, that I am different. I hate playing by the rules that has already been set out, because to quote Demi Lovato, "Baby, that's not me, no, no."
A huge part of my priorities is to make my father proud. Success is nothing if there's no one to share with, and no one to be proud of you. And he wants me to do well so badly. I know I've let him down in my choice of career, but there's hope. And I'd like him to see that. I know he'd like to see me as a successful corporate figure, and I am ready to take up that challenge. Having a challenge makes every else much much more exciting, and this one, I believe meets the scale of bungy jumping. Sure thing. I want to be the best at what I do, just like him. And I'm a follower of people being the best at what they do. Lewis Hamilton. One of the fastest if not the fastest racer in Formula One. He may not have won multiple world championships, but he has made sure the cameras were trained on him more than anyone else during the race. Rafael Nadal. And outsider at first, until he took his forte, his passion for the red clay courts and made it his own. And it is then everyone hails the King of Clay. The Wanted, before you laugh, I believe you have a misconception that is in turn laughable. Because I have not seen anyone working as hard as The Wanted. They are an example of not  following the rules. Because in truth, I agree with them, don't care what anyone else think or say. They never matter.
My family is huge priority. I love them with more than I can say, and I'm blessed with such beautiful people.
My dogs, taught me what real pure love is. Nothing beats the moment I return home from class and seeing him bounding his way to me, asking me to carry him. That's Torres. And Messi, he just wants to be cuddled  and played with like every little child wants. They are love.
And then, there's friends. Sometimes I feel dreadfully alone, I push them away. I couldn't express how sorry I really am. No one's perfect and I shouldn't expect so much out of people. Maybe my PMS-ing rage is becoming just so worst. It doesn't matter how many friends I have, as long as they are all nice people. People you can connect to. So thank you.
While people are huge priorities, I want more than anything to learn more, and see more. I want to hold my own ground and succeed with my own efforts. I want to do great things and give a lot more.
It might have made Cece Frey sound demented when she said, "I want to succeed as badly as I want to breathe" but in truth, she's just someone who knows what she want to achieve. Although it couldn't have hurt for her to put it in nicely. But it's important for us to be our own people, I suppose. I've learnt to say no to things I know I shouldn't want. If only the action of it was easier. And I can deal being in a relationship with either Nathan Sykes, Josh Cuthbert, Andy Brown or Ryan Fletcher for now, because hey, how long more do I have before I have to ditch my teenage dream imagination. ;)

I want my life to a continuous Coldplay soundtrack. From Charlie Brown to Yellow to Fix You to Viva La Vida to Paradise to The Scientist to Clocks, etc. on and on. Everything in my life played out to my own beat, my own tune, knowing I'm strong enough to believe in everything. I just need that faith to go on. 

Confidence Like A Rockstar

I've been such a bitter child as of late. I have no time to be bitter when tomorrow comes. No, really. Life is going to be crazy. I have only two weeks to finish the first assignment, a week later for the second and another week to follow for the third. HOW AM I TO SURVIVE. And the next four days this week, I will be attending the Israel-Palestine war crime tribunal from 9-5 in PWTC, and by the time I'm back, I'm as good as dead. AND there's THREE minor assignments to be passed up next week. But then again, it's the university life. And the reality starts tomorrow.
My Deepavali celebrations this year, however quieter it is compared to the years previously, it's more family orientated, and I loved it. :) Being a festival of light, it sure did enlighten me. Oh so I say. I'm such a screwed-up mess. But I had an amazing time, I can't complain. I shouldn't. I'm ready to forgive the world. :)
And you can say that I'm PMS-ing at all times. I'm disgusted with myself. I think. Or maybe not.
And the constant worry. How will Liverpool fare? (They scored big yesterday thanks to THE MAN LUIS SUAREZ!) or when will Rafael Nadal be back? With Lewis meanwhile, we are both laid-back because we know how things are there's need no worry, because Mclaren is such a screwed-up team, anyway. AND after Kye's elimination, I thought I wouldn't care for anyone anymore. I was wrong. Union J won my heart. And a certain Josh Cuthbert. But they are probably gonna be eliminated tonight. Sigh.
AND I turned down someone last week. On top of being socially-awkward, I just.. I mean I was a complete anti-social whale for more than two months, and yet someone came and... I'm sorry. He was so completely nice, acceptable looks, really friendly, but uhm, no. I just don't hook up and all.. AND I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD. Why do you do this to me. How am I gonna attend classes in peace now. I'm so sorry?Gosh, everything makes me crazy. AND CHRISTINA, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
Anyway, I told Chris all about my life plans, at least about the main goals, and I'm hoping it doesn't seem absurd. She's just disappointed about why I turned down. As if she doesn't have enough love-life crisis of her own. God, why is everything so complicated.

There's just so much in me, to say out, I'm losing my mind. So much to do, so little time.
I need that confidence, that hope, that belief, that I can't do anything. A part of me can feel it, the other, not so much. Because I know what it's like to feel lost and insecure. I need to wake up.

I love you, Andy Brown. And you too, Nath.

I said people, we're all looking for love tonight, sometimes we can't see it, we're blinded by the light. 

Believing all that shit is gonna heal your soul.

When people go, "What is life?", I see myself watching from the outside. Like the word 'life' is a complete foreign term. Because I don't want reality to be 'life'. But then again, when are we ever satisfied?

First, you think the worst is a broken heart.

Hullo. It's November already and the week I've been waiting for months now is here! Celebrations! I love this time of the year. Like how most people hold on to Christmas every year, I wait for Deepavali, or Diwali, more commonly known. You get excited. Wanting everything to be perfect. Imagining the moments you'll have. The happiness you can't wait to get soak into.
But I learnt the hard way this year, that you will never get what you expect. Not even 10% of it. It has always been the opposite, a disaster, leaving you all broken down. For example, my birthday, this year. It was supposed to be really special. Well, I am nineteen, and August 19th, had meant so much to me. In fact the numbers 19, 1 and 9 have always been a big part of my life. I always somehow manage to connect things to those number. Hey, what's life without those self-constructed coincidences. And I expected this birthday to be amazing. What more, it fell on Sunday! I haven't had a birthday on a holiday for ages, and definitely not on a weekend for years now. AND it was on the first day of Hari Raya. So much of lovely coincidences, you'd expect it to be perfect. Well, I did. And I was dead wrong. A friend of mine thought they could have my celebration in Sunway Pyramid, it would be fun and everything. Honestly, he was such a sweetheart. I couldn't thank him more. But, well, the others didn't really cooperate, they wanted to have fun for themselves, so they ended up doing something I do not like. I didn't join, because I just couldn't bring myself to and I remove myself from the spotlight. Not that I ever was. Typical of me. It was the lousiest birthday celebration ever, because after I said I won't join them and sat at the side, no one cared how I felt. I was just there, being ignored. It was hurtful. And here I am being all bitter about it. Sometimes, if you're like me, you'd just want to be heard, about how lonely you feel, and lost. And insecure. Because there's no one willing to watch your back. I know I've been nothing but nice to people, most of the time. Compliment them, make them feel happy. Just feel I don't get it in return. Sounds probably childish that the only presents I got this year, was three Batman figurines from my dad, because that is exactly what I wanted. And then, there's those lovely accessories from my aunt and uncle and then there's that amazing card from Afiqah who is just so incredible. And that's it. What about the people I believed who are closed to my heart? Who were, to be exact. I pushed everyone away, in these two weeks. There's never anyone real or genuine. Then there's these people called friends, who promised me they will come around for a hang out, for lunch or movie, and then bail out at the very last minute. Last minute as in on that day itself. One of them was asleep, and not willing to wake up and join me. But then you see them going around for gatherings elsewhere, with other mutual friends, naturally to gatherings I wasn't invited to. Because I'm not important enough. Hahah.
I realise, I've never fit in anywhere. People I care and love so much just treat me like I'm just another junk in their life. I'm being pathetic, I know, but hey, it's the truth. I want to believe that it could be a misunderstanding, but it's not. Everyone else had a better birthday celebration than me, and they flaunt it on Facebook, like woooo in yo face. Why, thank you. You see, the person, me, who wanted an amazing celebration THE MOST, gets THE WORST. I could go on. Wondering what's wrong with me. But I've given up. I've given up on everyone, who's ever meant something to me. As long as I've got someone to talk to in class, and during my entire train ride, I'll survive. I've got my books I get lost into, I've got music which has always been there no matter what, I've got the people who doesn't even know I exist. Maybe it's easier that way. I've learnt a lot more, being silent and observant. And just stop with all those nonsense about being here for me and shit. I do believe I'm dealing with 'authentic suck-ups and two-faced phoneys', nothing you say is gonna justify yourself. Because everyone else is having the time of their lives, no? Everyone else have their ideal birthday celebrations come to life, everyone else have friends who genuinely care. And I'm here like, "fuck all of you." Pretty much why I've given up on hoping for a happy Deepavali. That reminds me, I invited some bunch of friends from high school to my open house last year, no one turn up, no? Just the ones from college.
 So don't pretend you care for me, or ever, be happy for me. No one ever is. Except for my dogs.


And a very Happy Deepavali to everyone.

And the sixth, is when you admit, you may have fucked up a little.