Waterfall

Do people still blog these days? Seems like it's a fading light. Not as efficient as Facebook, Twitter, maybe? Or are we just lazy. I'll pick the latter. But I'm not ready to abandon it. Not yet. I need a place to vent and breathe. Here I am. We are two weeks into March of 2013. Time, astounds me. Everything just fly past, it's crazy. It's scary. It's not a fucking game where you can just press restart and start all over again. You are stuck in one direction. No pun intended. Man, I can't even use the words without.. Never mind. Anyway, when I come here, I talk about life. Because life is so complicated, sometimes the words get jumbled up in your head, and you'll never quite understood anything. Until you put in on paper. In this case, a blog post.
Firstly; I have an exam coming up. My finals. It will be in May and there's just so much to study and get the hang of, and needless to say, I'm already flipping out. It's crazy. And it's not easy having the mounted expectations on your back, walking around, frightened. I'm expected to score amazing results, obviously. And I took the challenge. Not an easy one. But it is one I welcome. And fingers-crossed that it works out the way I want it to. But I'm feeling a lot more positive than I was at this position last year. At least I've got the gist of what I'm doing. I am not clueless. Thankfully. Right now, I just have to keep going. My productivity rate is bloody inconsistent, and that's terrible! I have loads to do. Yet it's very slow. And I get confused easily. And restless. Sometimes I'm so full of these emotions, it throws me back. Not good. My friend says that I'm a 'person of all emotions.' Well, yes, yes I am.
It's all about pushing yourself and winning your goals. So many people, inspired me. I want to be like them so much. But somehow something comes in between, demotivating. But I learnt positivity is an amazing driving machine. I know a man. There was once, he had everything. He was on top of the world. He succeeded in what he did. He was happy, as he was proud. We all would love to be in his position, no? But just like everything else in life, it did not last. Mistakes after mistakes happened, he became bitter. He almost quit what he did. It pained me watching him. The bitterness and egoism that drove him almost ate him alive. I realise how much negativity can kill a man. It eats him up and destroys him. I didn't know what happened, but all I knew was he allowed positivity to take it's place in him then. I watched a startling recovery, an incredible change. Now he has that genuine smile on his face which could lit up anyone else's. No for real. That man is my idol, and he inspires me. He has a story I could relate to, but what is more important was that he taught me about life. And how when you allow positive things to make it's mark, you are on the right path. We only live once, imagine dying before you have the chance to be a person loved and remembered by people? It's a life of vain, a death of nothingness. It scares me every single day. My dream in life has always been to search for happiness and be an inspiration. Only then I would say that I have truly lived my life the way I want it to. And now I've been given the white paper to set it all out. Work for it, and one day I would look back and see how worth it this all is. So I need to pull myself together and be positive. And achieve what I want to achieve. It's there for the taking, just the effort needs to be paid.
I type this out, hoping I will realise how important it is for me to work harder as of tomorrow. I have no time left to procrastinate. However much I hate studying. 2013 is a year for achievement. I can feel it. It will be worth it. Oh life, you little rascal you. I need the support, thank you. I'm better than what I feel now, I know that. Waaaaay better. A little vanity and self-confidence can't hurt, can it? ;) Work for it, there's all that's left to do now.
Maybe then one day I get what I deserve.
Emotions. Obligations. Goals. Belief. Determination. Dedication. Positivity. Achievement. Happiness.
Things move in circles, things move in straight line. Things we are bound to. 

If I Fail, If I Suceed, At Least I'll Live As I Believe.

I need to talk, rant and let everything out. It's February now! Would you believe that. And the past month was not an easy one, not at all. I need to organise this messed up mind of mine. It's all there, jumbled up, making me feel lousy as always. So yeah.

WHAT I NEED  TO DO:
Well you see, recently, I've been feeling quite ridiculously useless. Like I can't do anything right. Weighed down by insecurities, frightening possibilities, feeling rather lousy. I've always wanted to achieve something. But I need to know that I AM NOT GOING TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IF I DON'T MAKE AN EFFORT. I just have this lazy syndrome, most of the time I feel like lying around, and look up at the skies and dream about all the things I can be and the things I can have, when in reality, I'm not going to get any of those if I don't make an effort. I've got to work! Last month, I tried. But you know what? I ended up with a meltdown. A persistent voice in my head saying I cannot do this. That was my head. My heart meanwhile says that if I give myself the chance to think positive and continue believing, I could actually have all I want. Yeah, I've got a hypocritical mind. I wish it was more effective. I wish I was one of those people who never stopped working. All this while I sit around looking for inspirations, saying one day I am going to be like this, and like that, when we all know it could not happen if I don't work it out. I love the subjects of law, I really do. But when it comes to reading it and memorising, suddenly it doesn't look as attractive any more. How do I tell myself, I have to do it. I keep my work, homework and reading up till the last minute, and then I have this sudden meltdown, losing my mind, scared that history would repeat itself. That, I found out was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The feeling of worthless. And you know what is the best feeling for me? The power of having knowledge when speaking, of knowing what I do exactly as it is, the pride of triumph. Nothing, beats that when I'm on a roll. This makes me sound like power-hungry batshit crazy and whatever but I've learnt from the mould of life these twenty years and everything my dad has done and put out, that I have to be on my toes, I have to be the best. So here I am, hoping that everytime I'm starting to lose focus, I start losing myself to distractions, and starting to feel laid back, I'll have to push myself to always be on my feet, always working. I HAVE TO WORK. Please drill this in your head. Feels almost like I have a spilt personality here. There is a place I want to get to, so I NEED to get moving. AND DISTRACTIONS. My, don't social networks ruin your day? It does. I can't get out of it. I sit and go on and on and on and waste my time ohmygoodness. I'll have to rectify that too. Work it all out. And I need to breathe. I'm losing it already. Fear manipulates people. Confidence. I'll be needing that right now. And positivity.

PEOPLE ARE LEAVING:

Yes, there are. People I've met in high school. People who I've gotten closer as time goes by, people I've shared laughter, stories and most important of all, memories. Raw perfect wonderful memories to take along as life happens. These people. People who I became the best of friends with. Not that I will never be seeing them ever again, it's just that, the fact that they are leaving to pursue their studies elsewhere, says that we are all growing up. It's serious matter. And I became scared about it. Tearful. Sad. And frightening. We are all growing up so fast, and time just flies by, before we can arrange our steps, we are pushed down the stairs. Nevertheless, I wish all the very best to my friends, and happy growing up. From farewell parties, soon I'll be attending their wedding. Oh God why. 

The workings of life, it's mystery is daunting but exciting. We are all here to learn something. Something big. And achieve our dreams. We can make it. There always is a way. 

So here I leave, saddened by the passing of time, me being pushed into positions and situations I've never imagine could happen, wishing the best for my friends and trying to work things out, and most importantly, making it happen. It's always about making things happen. Maybe I'm just bitterly tired of seeing other people making things happen and I'm not doing anything enough. I need to find a way to work things threaded with my inspirations. And show a lot of people, as Peeta would say, "I want to show them that they don't own me." Or something like that. So let's make it happen. 

If you read this blog consistently, you will realise how contradictory I am, and how extremely hypocritical I can be. Yeah well, welcome to my life.

"Don't hate.. Appreciate."

The value of experience is not appreciated, until we look back. And stare at it. Wishing the moment would come back. Experience is something that walks hand in hand with memory. With memory, comes experiences we have subconciously learnt from, be it bad or good. And it teaches us so much. It makes us, who we are. Shaped us, moulded us, created and then left broken. For me, every book I've read was an experience. Every movie I've watched was an experience. Every show I obsess with was an experience. Because I learnt, and I was inspired. More than anything I have lived through them. The books, the movies. The people. Life gives you road bumps, and plenty of attacks. So how do you live without being inspired? I constantly look to things to be inspired. And then I try to be an inspiration. And twenty years now, I see that life, is to inspire and to be inspired. A simple answer amidst the complication. And love stands by the inspiration. Always have. Always will.

It's Time To Begin, Isn't It?

2013 is here! I can finally breathe and take in the New Year. I'm done with all the major assignments for the first year. Relief, excitement, happiness, peace. I am prepared to look at all the beautiful, bright and vibrant colours for the year. It's time I should not see the year as just another year. I want to have things done. I want to achieve something. So here's some resolutions which I will put forward but I cannot guarantee that I will have them done. It's bound to fail. Oh, no, I shouldn't allow negativity. But hey, at least I have something to look forward to, a proper state of mind, and knowing my goals. At least I try. And to all the suckers who make fun of people who says that a new year equals new start, you, my friend, need to start living. A new year gives many the hope, the spirit, and belief. Never make fun of that. It's makes a person who they are. If they have resolutions, at least they are living, and making the best of it. At least they are aiming to become a better person. So here's my resolutions, and fingers crossed, I want them to work out.

-2013 is a year for me to prove my worth. Because I've let so many people down last year, I've got to pick up and stand my ground. We Leos' shall never disappoint. ;)

-Lose weight. I mean pretty much A LOT OF PEOPLE probably have the same resolution every single year. I was making a fantastic progress last year July till August, and then somehow I lost the progress, and then in October, I manage to lose more, but then came in the assignments, the crazy stressful times, and I lost control. Temptations. Also it was after Deepavali. Ahhh, LIFE. You drive a hard bargain. AND THE FOOD IN JAPAN. You can't blame me. It was so good.

-I need to smile more, laugh more, talk so much more. As if I'm not doing that already. But you know, last year I held myself a lot. I was insecure. I don't want to face them same old depression again. It gets really tiring. I want to make every second count. And make 'beautiful' the adjective of the year. Because life is just that. :)

-Read more story books. I do read a lot. But this year I don't want to stop. Okay maybe during my finals. But I've read so many good books last year, and a lot of them are pretty eye-opening, it feels great to share feelings through those books. Also I've been more flexible, I've moved on to other genres, getting the feel of things, the feel of life. Feels AMAZING. We've got some great authors out there. I have not exactly abandoned my genre of fantasy/young adult novels, but I see a great reduce where it's concern.

-START PLAYING MY PIANO. I have not touched Merida, my piano for 4 to 5 months now! After years of living on it, I've abandoned it, and I feel bad. I should.Spending just to much time with Cambriel the guitar. Oh, and I've named them, yes. In fact, I've named a lot of my possessions. Feel like home. :)

-This year, I should get working experience during my three months break. Learn something. Understand a lot more about life.

-I want to learn at least one foreign language. I felt completely toothless in Japan with it's foreign language, almost choking. Next time I'm going to country with foreign language, I'll make sure I have learnt the language. At least enough of it to ask questions. I have French, Italian, Spanish, Japanese and Korean on my mind. And it's high time I start speaking Mandarin.

-Blog more. 2011, I blog pretty much everyday. 2012, it became a monthly progress. Well I can try.
-I want to do a piece of art every month. I'll try to stick to this resolution. So I should have at least twelve pieces of art this entire year! Sounds exciting. Hopefully it's doable. It has to be. I want it to.

-Watch a couple of Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale's previous movies which I haven't watched. I have a good record with Christian, I missed out on a couple of Hugh Jackman's box office smashes. UNIFI DON'T FAIL ME.

-Just be myself. AND BE SURE OF WHO I AM. Try not to be put down by others, and carry myself with a sense of pride many others can't achieve. I think if I can do this and put enough effort to hold myself the way I want to without bowing to things that bully me like last year, sure enough I'll be very proud. AND I want to work hard. Harder than ever. Because I know I can if I put my heart into it. It's something I learnt last year. No mountains can be conquered without the effort you put in ya know. :)

There ya go, TEN resolutions to meet up to, ten things to keep my mind set on what I want to do for the year. To meet up to them is one thing, but at least I want to have tried.

I want magic to happen. Magic which only my heart knows of. There's more to life than what you see. In fact, like Rafiki said in The Lion King, "See beyond what you see." 

It's time to begin, isn't it, I'll get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was.. Now don't you understand, I'm never changing who I am. 

The Gift of Time

Oh hey, look where are we now. Just days away to the beginning of yet another new year. Astounding really how fast time goes by, I can barely remember the year. Everything seems, vague. Sometimes you feel like you know you were there, yet it feels like a long time ago. While others, you look at it like it was just yesterday. I still remember New Year's Day this year like it was yesterday. I still remember the optimism, the expectations, the beliefs and that newfound excitement for the year. Somewhere in between however, it had all died down. I'll tell you what this year was, for me. It was a collection, an entire collection, of bitterness, battle of insecurities, hateful thinking and negativities. It ate me up. And now I am only left with regret. Because all that bitterness and pain I realise now, was worth nothing. At least not of my time. But when I look back now, I find the lessons I learnt throughout the year, and the most important of all, is the gift of time.
I just finished a book by Cecelia Ahern, and no, it's not your everyday chick-lit genre. Titled 'The Gift', the book taught me a simple message, about the importance of time. Ironically I read this during this time of the year, when a lot of us sit back and reflect our past. The importance in cherishing people, the loved ones, and every little things that holds on to something bigger. The gift of giving. Of understanding. Of truly living. This is because of what life puts us through. Just because things don't go your way, just because you don't have what you want, doesn't mean you allow the hate and bitterness to take over everything. I might have realise it a little too late for this year. Sometimes I say to myself, I should stop letting my temper get the best of me. So hating, so pushing people away. Stop letting the darkness slip in and take control. But it isn't easy to believe that. Not when you feel everything is falling apart. How do I see it otherwise? How do I hold on to positivity.  This year, among the bitterness and anger, I also sat back and observe. Observe events, people, and life as it happen. Trying to truly understand what it means. You will never truly find the real meaning of life, but the least you could do is find what blooms happiness. Real happiness. The moments which makes you really feel infinite. That heartfelt joy of a moment. That rare smile which leaves you dancing. The feeling of floating and swinging in the sunset.
One thing we know about life is, it is a robber. A thief. Leaves you deprived of something. Maybe not now, maybe not before, but sooner or later. It is written in the future. Because we are familiar with 'nothing lasts forever.' You will eventually lose the thing you are most passionate about. It may be the money you love. Or you favourite TV series. Or your love for your favourite boyband. That could die down. It may be the person who lights up your world. Who means so much to you. How many times have we said to them that we love them? I have not let them know. I couldn't bring myself to. Just like a lot of people, I too live in denial. The refusal to believe in reality.
Let me tell you what 2012 has taught me. When the year begin, I foolishly declared that I'm going to make sure 2012 is the best year I will ever have. And then I was knocked off my feet. And was forced to realise the cold truth. Events happened. I read books, a lot of them, and funnily, they all came in the same theme. I watched movies which I was forced to reflect in pain. I love happy endings. But I found out that happy endings are possibly fictional. You don't go smiling into your grave. Trust me, you don't. I listen to innocent kids die, brutally shot in the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. Kids who were excited for Christmas, the presents and the holidays in whole.  Before that, a man bursts into a cinema, during the premiere of the Dark Knight Rise, and decided that many people should die. And then later on, a week ago or so, a woman was gang-raped with such brutality, beaten to pieces with the rod also used during the rape and thrown off a bus. She died after days of battling for her life. But maybe it's better if she died. If what happened to her hadn't killed her, the trauma would have simply prevented her from living. Darkness would have been permanent. You see what happened? We live in a world of monsters, thriving healthily among us. Monsters who see things as a joke. You can feel evil emanating within their veins. I'm often curious, what is going on through their heads? For all I know, I had thought they were humans like us. Who feel pain. Who knows the difference between the good and the bad. Why would it make you happy to see the pain, the suffering of another? How can it not have broken you?
The human mind is a mysterious thing. It is the same, yet not the same. I'll never understand reality, it baffles me unforgivingly. But what it has told me, all these tragedies, and the dawn of realisation upon reading that book is, anything can happen. You dream of a future which falls in your control, only to have it robbed away from you. The kids from the Sandy Hook's tragedy, their future. The girl who was gang-raped, her future. Victims. Preys. The innocent. We will never know what will happen. Life is not a series of Final Destination movies, no.
You know what life is instead? It is living each and every moment. Most people are too busy look in front, or too busy looking over their shoulders, they fail to breathe in the moment. I know, we have all heard of this countless time, yet who cares. But recently I find this point overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point of choking. I think of my future, I fall in despair. Sure enough I'm working hard as it is to achieve success and all that, but I am afraid, what will I do when I get there. How long will that sense of satisfaction last, before it is replace with depression, from realising I sacrificed time and moments of magic to reach the peak of brief satisfaction. Because that is how people live today. They spend all of their today working their butt off for the future. The little things left unseen. And then they spend their future regretting things they've missed. I was in Japan the past week, and boy did I learn alot about life. Achievements after achievements, upholding their pride, but beneath it, you can see the strain in the people. The pressure, the fear. They live in a beautiful country, and absolutely stunning one, but I wonder how many of them stop just to see it.
I felt that I have not done enough these nineteen years. I let hate, bitterness and insecurities to creep up my walls. Yes, I regret. And then there was selfishness. I greed for things I want. But if Lou Suffern, the main character of the book, can find space to change, so can I. Change for the better, and perhaps that should be the new year's resolution. In this case, it's a manageable one. Because it hits right to the conscience. I wish to lose the selfishness, to share love, to give love, to appreciate things better, to smile more, to treasure the ones who mean the world to me. I want to give them something in return. It's the fear of losing which keeps us alive. On our feet, and learn to appreciate more than ever. And learn to survive through it all.
Because we are all finding for that moment we feel infinite. 

Have a great New Year's Day everyone. Here's to an amazing year ahead.

Since We Found Out, That Anything Could Happen

The last three weeks have been absolutely crazy, I'm not even exaggerating. I swear, even 'crazy' seems to be an understatement. I have four assignments, and I had to pass up three of them back to back on the Monday of every week. Meaning, I had only one week to research and complete three 3000+ words of essays for three consecutive week. THANK GOD for the holidays, my fourth essay is only to be passed up on the 3rd of January. Thank you, God.
It was exhausting, week after week, each day committed to doing something that increased the mental pressure. But you know what? Exhausting as it may have been, I actually enjoyed it. Because these assignments pushed me to my limits and tested my willpower. No, really. I missed a couple of dinners, an open house and a shopping trip to Pavillion, where I could have shopped for so many things, because of the end-of-the-year sales. But I didn't. Every time I was asked to join in anything, I said no. Not till I finish the work I have yet to be done with. Thinking back, my willpower actually astounded me. I managed to resist a couple of story books as well as the video marathons, that is until I'm done with my work that is. And then, there is the swelling pride of mine. Every time I finish one assignment, you could be sure I would be dancing around my room, smiling like a fool. I swear. Last Sunday, I was done with my Public Law assignment by four in the afternoon, and trust me by my standard, hell, by a law student's standard, that was pretty good. Most people dragged their assignments into the dead of the night, or even, a couple of hours before the deadline at 10 in the morning on Monday. That's quite an achievement on my part. ;) AND AFTER PRINTING, I don't know, I just couldn't stop smiling. I was just feeling gooooood. And then I swooned over Hugh Jackman till the late at night. No shit, I'm serious. Christina was my victim. I made her, yeah, MADE HER listen to my demented fangirling. The MAN'S SO PERFECT WHAT CAN I SAY. He's up there, the level of Christian Bale. You just can't turn away.
 Crazy times, crazy times. AND the prayer I do each time I print out my papers, only because I was too lazy to go and buy the cartridges.
At least I can breathe for now. I've been rocking the holiday spirit these few days. Just couldn't stop feeling so happy in my heart. I haven't felt like that for so long, mind you! Everything feels a million times more beautiful than ever. The Christmas spirit. The holiday spirit. The lovely songs I've been entertained with these days. Gabrielle Aplin is amazing! The decor in the shopping malls! Smiles all around. December finally feels like December. :)
I have a two more days of class to brace through, and then holidays, will you be mine? Hahaha. More time to swoon over Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Nathan and whoever I come across, I guess. ;)
And more happy dances.
And keeping finger crossed for a magical holiday in the Land of the Rising Sun! Man, that sound dramatic.
Maybe I've just found home at a place I thought I would never love. ;)

Happy December and Happy Holidays, everyone! Lots of love.

Without You To Hold, I'll Be Freezing.

EVERYBODY LIKE ED SHEERAN NOW. What? Hey I'm a girl and I'd like to keep some things to myself. Like Ed. He's like my guardian angel. Don't know if that makes any sense, but... WITH THAT VOICE HOW COULD YOU NOT DESCRIBE HIM AS AN ANGEL? Geez. I love you, Ed. It's your fault that you're so lovable. Hmph.

I wanna hold your heart in both hands, now I'll watch you fizzle at the bottom of the Coke can.

Cold Nights, Wet Roads, Lights.

It's just a sad world. A lot of people are just so sad these days. I am definitely one of them. And apparently there's such a thing as Seasonal Affected Depression. I meet the syndromes listed out in this 'depression'. And it's almost like I've given up on hope.
I had imagined life to be like the feeling when I see... loads of balloons. Bouquets of roses. Basket of flowers. A room with shelves right to the ceiling all around, full of books. Strings of light decorated all around. Fairy lights in gardens. A baby's shy smile and laughter. The feeling I get when I listen to Charlie Brown. The smile on my face each time I watch Wanted Wednesday videos. I want it to be permanent. I want something to rely on. I want every thing else to be a lot more beautiful than what I'm experiencing.
I want so much, but you don't get them the way you want them to.
My life started falling apart these two years. I am bugged with insecurities after insecurities. I've cried more than I ever did for seventeen years. Don't know if it's going to end any time soon. I just want a way to let this all out, and close out all the things that has tore me apart. What am I afraid of? I'm just afraid that it's always going to be this way. For the rest of my life. I need an escapade.

Honestly, I'm trying hard enough to stop caring what would people think about me. If I'm going to be hated for something I am, for being something I am good at, so be it. I'm tired of trying to please everyone and be so nice, and then nothing. Just be nothing. I should have listen to them and my gut feelings. They told me to be myself. Now I know how Cece Frey feels. And right now, she's my hero.
Because we only want to be ourselves.

December is supposed to be a very happy month, damn it.

“Not a lot of people know what it feels like, do they? To be angry in your bones. I mean, they “understand”. Foster parents, teachers, everybody understands; for a while. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after a while they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boy’s home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

—	John Blake

Lights Will Guide You Home, And Ignite Your Bones, I Will Try, To Fix You

Sometimes when there's just too much in my head, and I need to let it out, I come here. Other times are just to let myself know that, hey, I'm still alive. This time, I need to let it out. I've been in a considerably cheerful mood the past 48 hours, and now I'm feeling depressed like never before. Typical. I should be starting on my assignments, planning and drafting. But I feel like my mind's a complete mess, like I can't do this. Like I need a proper break, see the world, learn to breathe and then focus on my priorities.
What are my priorities? Sometimes, I myself can't answer that. I don't know what I really want in life. I'm still trying to find out. To find out what I want out of life, what I want to be.
I don't want to be in a relationship like most girls my age. No. But with all this weird things happening in my life, all of sudden I feel weak, and shallow. And it's something I hate to feel. I have always wanted things to go my way, but obviously that hardly ever happens. And then you get all that ranting and unnecessary anger I feel up to a point. I can't be in control of myself, how ever am I gonna be in control of my life.
My father may not be the most loving father ever. He's just not the type of father who goes 'my children are my life, I love them to death, and I would give anything for them.' No. Because he had a bad childhood experience with his father, and such bitterness can leave a very deep mark in a person. But he's a father who teaches his kids to always be strong, to always be in control of your own ground and never bow to another. Not directly of course, we don't get a sit down session where he advices us about how life is. No. But we do get an awful loads of scoldings. And I've seen my father working. And making his way from nothing. However much bitter I might feel when he gets into his scolding mode, I must say I am incredibly proud of him. And he's an inspiration like no other.
Just watching him makes me strong. Ambitious. With big dreams. I know I don't think the same way like most people. Although I've had the privilege to meet some people along the way. Doing things their way. I want something big out of my life, something I can be proud of.
It's just sometimes, I feel weak and shallow. Like I want to be ignorant, feel young and have fun like how people stereotyped young people these days. I should hit myself for even wanting that. Because that's not who I am, who I've grown up to be. But it's the impulses and shallowness of the moment that comes once in a while when you feel like letting go and to just have fun. We all have that guilty pleasure. But the last thing I want to be while living life, is ignorant. And I want people to know, that I am different. I hate playing by the rules that has already been set out, because to quote Demi Lovato, "Baby, that's not me, no, no."
A huge part of my priorities is to make my father proud. Success is nothing if there's no one to share with, and no one to be proud of you. And he wants me to do well so badly. I know I've let him down in my choice of career, but there's hope. And I'd like him to see that. I know he'd like to see me as a successful corporate figure, and I am ready to take up that challenge. Having a challenge makes every else much much more exciting, and this one, I believe meets the scale of bungy jumping. Sure thing. I want to be the best at what I do, just like him. And I'm a follower of people being the best at what they do. Lewis Hamilton. One of the fastest if not the fastest racer in Formula One. He may not have won multiple world championships, but he has made sure the cameras were trained on him more than anyone else during the race. Rafael Nadal. And outsider at first, until he took his forte, his passion for the red clay courts and made it his own. And it is then everyone hails the King of Clay. The Wanted, before you laugh, I believe you have a misconception that is in turn laughable. Because I have not seen anyone working as hard as The Wanted. They are an example of not  following the rules. Because in truth, I agree with them, don't care what anyone else think or say. They never matter.
My family is huge priority. I love them with more than I can say, and I'm blessed with such beautiful people.
My dogs, taught me what real pure love is. Nothing beats the moment I return home from class and seeing him bounding his way to me, asking me to carry him. That's Torres. And Messi, he just wants to be cuddled  and played with like every little child wants. They are love.
And then, there's friends. Sometimes I feel dreadfully alone, I push them away. I couldn't express how sorry I really am. No one's perfect and I shouldn't expect so much out of people. Maybe my PMS-ing rage is becoming just so worst. It doesn't matter how many friends I have, as long as they are all nice people. People you can connect to. So thank you.
While people are huge priorities, I want more than anything to learn more, and see more. I want to hold my own ground and succeed with my own efforts. I want to do great things and give a lot more.
It might have made Cece Frey sound demented when she said, "I want to succeed as badly as I want to breathe" but in truth, she's just someone who knows what she want to achieve. Although it couldn't have hurt for her to put it in nicely. But it's important for us to be our own people, I suppose. I've learnt to say no to things I know I shouldn't want. If only the action of it was easier. And I can deal being in a relationship with either Nathan Sykes, Josh Cuthbert, Andy Brown or Ryan Fletcher for now, because hey, how long more do I have before I have to ditch my teenage dream imagination. ;)

I want my life to a continuous Coldplay soundtrack. From Charlie Brown to Yellow to Fix You to Viva La Vida to Paradise to The Scientist to Clocks, etc. on and on. Everything in my life played out to my own beat, my own tune, knowing I'm strong enough to believe in everything. I just need that faith to go on. 

Confidence Like A Rockstar

I've been such a bitter child as of late. I have no time to be bitter when tomorrow comes. No, really. Life is going to be crazy. I have only two weeks to finish the first assignment, a week later for the second and another week to follow for the third. HOW AM I TO SURVIVE. And the next four days this week, I will be attending the Israel-Palestine war crime tribunal from 9-5 in PWTC, and by the time I'm back, I'm as good as dead. AND there's THREE minor assignments to be passed up next week. But then again, it's the university life. And the reality starts tomorrow.
My Deepavali celebrations this year, however quieter it is compared to the years previously, it's more family orientated, and I loved it. :) Being a festival of light, it sure did enlighten me. Oh so I say. I'm such a screwed-up mess. But I had an amazing time, I can't complain. I shouldn't. I'm ready to forgive the world. :)
And you can say that I'm PMS-ing at all times. I'm disgusted with myself. I think. Or maybe not.
And the constant worry. How will Liverpool fare? (They scored big yesterday thanks to THE MAN LUIS SUAREZ!) or when will Rafael Nadal be back? With Lewis meanwhile, we are both laid-back because we know how things are there's need no worry, because Mclaren is such a screwed-up team, anyway. AND after Kye's elimination, I thought I wouldn't care for anyone anymore. I was wrong. Union J won my heart. And a certain Josh Cuthbert. But they are probably gonna be eliminated tonight. Sigh.
AND I turned down someone last week. On top of being socially-awkward, I just.. I mean I was a complete anti-social whale for more than two months, and yet someone came and... I'm sorry. He was so completely nice, acceptable looks, really friendly, but uhm, no. I just don't hook up and all.. AND I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD. Why do you do this to me. How am I gonna attend classes in peace now. I'm so sorry?Gosh, everything makes me crazy. AND CHRISTINA, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
Anyway, I told Chris all about my life plans, at least about the main goals, and I'm hoping it doesn't seem absurd. She's just disappointed about why I turned down. As if she doesn't have enough love-life crisis of her own. God, why is everything so complicated.

There's just so much in me, to say out, I'm losing my mind. So much to do, so little time.
I need that confidence, that hope, that belief, that I can't do anything. A part of me can feel it, the other, not so much. Because I know what it's like to feel lost and insecure. I need to wake up.

I love you, Andy Brown. And you too, Nath.

I said people, we're all looking for love tonight, sometimes we can't see it, we're blinded by the light.