If I Fail, If I Suceed, At Least I'll Live As I Believe.

I need to talk, rant and let everything out. It's February now! Would you believe that. And the past month was not an easy one, not at all. I need to organise this messed up mind of mine. It's all there, jumbled up, making me feel lousy as always. So yeah.

WHAT I NEED  TO DO:
Well you see, recently, I've been feeling quite ridiculously useless. Like I can't do anything right. Weighed down by insecurities, frightening possibilities, feeling rather lousy. I've always wanted to achieve something. But I need to know that I AM NOT GOING TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IF I DON'T MAKE AN EFFORT. I just have this lazy syndrome, most of the time I feel like lying around, and look up at the skies and dream about all the things I can be and the things I can have, when in reality, I'm not going to get any of those if I don't make an effort. I've got to work! Last month, I tried. But you know what? I ended up with a meltdown. A persistent voice in my head saying I cannot do this. That was my head. My heart meanwhile says that if I give myself the chance to think positive and continue believing, I could actually have all I want. Yeah, I've got a hypocritical mind. I wish it was more effective. I wish I was one of those people who never stopped working. All this while I sit around looking for inspirations, saying one day I am going to be like this, and like that, when we all know it could not happen if I don't work it out. I love the subjects of law, I really do. But when it comes to reading it and memorising, suddenly it doesn't look as attractive any more. How do I tell myself, I have to do it. I keep my work, homework and reading up till the last minute, and then I have this sudden meltdown, losing my mind, scared that history would repeat itself. That, I found out was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The feeling of worthless. And you know what is the best feeling for me? The power of having knowledge when speaking, of knowing what I do exactly as it is, the pride of triumph. Nothing, beats that when I'm on a roll. This makes me sound like power-hungry batshit crazy and whatever but I've learnt from the mould of life these twenty years and everything my dad has done and put out, that I have to be on my toes, I have to be the best. So here I am, hoping that everytime I'm starting to lose focus, I start losing myself to distractions, and starting to feel laid back, I'll have to push myself to always be on my feet, always working. I HAVE TO WORK. Please drill this in your head. Feels almost like I have a spilt personality here. There is a place I want to get to, so I NEED to get moving. AND DISTRACTIONS. My, don't social networks ruin your day? It does. I can't get out of it. I sit and go on and on and on and waste my time ohmygoodness. I'll have to rectify that too. Work it all out. And I need to breathe. I'm losing it already. Fear manipulates people. Confidence. I'll be needing that right now. And positivity.

PEOPLE ARE LEAVING:

Yes, there are. People I've met in high school. People who I've gotten closer as time goes by, people I've shared laughter, stories and most important of all, memories. Raw perfect wonderful memories to take along as life happens. These people. People who I became the best of friends with. Not that I will never be seeing them ever again, it's just that, the fact that they are leaving to pursue their studies elsewhere, says that we are all growing up. It's serious matter. And I became scared about it. Tearful. Sad. And frightening. We are all growing up so fast, and time just flies by, before we can arrange our steps, we are pushed down the stairs. Nevertheless, I wish all the very best to my friends, and happy growing up. From farewell parties, soon I'll be attending their wedding. Oh God why. 

The workings of life, it's mystery is daunting but exciting. We are all here to learn something. Something big. And achieve our dreams. We can make it. There always is a way. 

So here I leave, saddened by the passing of time, me being pushed into positions and situations I've never imagine could happen, wishing the best for my friends and trying to work things out, and most importantly, making it happen. It's always about making things happen. Maybe I'm just bitterly tired of seeing other people making things happen and I'm not doing anything enough. I need to find a way to work things threaded with my inspirations. And show a lot of people, as Peeta would say, "I want to show them that they don't own me." Or something like that. So let's make it happen. 

If you read this blog consistently, you will realise how contradictory I am, and how extremely hypocritical I can be. Yeah well, welcome to my life.