The Gift of Time

Oh hey, look where are we now. Just days away to the beginning of yet another new year. Astounding really how fast time goes by, I can barely remember the year. Everything seems, vague. Sometimes you feel like you know you were there, yet it feels like a long time ago. While others, you look at it like it was just yesterday. I still remember New Year's Day this year like it was yesterday. I still remember the optimism, the expectations, the beliefs and that newfound excitement for the year. Somewhere in between however, it had all died down. I'll tell you what this year was, for me. It was a collection, an entire collection, of bitterness, battle of insecurities, hateful thinking and negativities. It ate me up. And now I am only left with regret. Because all that bitterness and pain I realise now, was worth nothing. At least not of my time. But when I look back now, I find the lessons I learnt throughout the year, and the most important of all, is the gift of time.
I just finished a book by Cecelia Ahern, and no, it's not your everyday chick-lit genre. Titled 'The Gift', the book taught me a simple message, about the importance of time. Ironically I read this during this time of the year, when a lot of us sit back and reflect our past. The importance in cherishing people, the loved ones, and every little things that holds on to something bigger. The gift of giving. Of understanding. Of truly living. This is because of what life puts us through. Just because things don't go your way, just because you don't have what you want, doesn't mean you allow the hate and bitterness to take over everything. I might have realise it a little too late for this year. Sometimes I say to myself, I should stop letting my temper get the best of me. So hating, so pushing people away. Stop letting the darkness slip in and take control. But it isn't easy to believe that. Not when you feel everything is falling apart. How do I see it otherwise? How do I hold on to positivity.  This year, among the bitterness and anger, I also sat back and observe. Observe events, people, and life as it happen. Trying to truly understand what it means. You will never truly find the real meaning of life, but the least you could do is find what blooms happiness. Real happiness. The moments which makes you really feel infinite. That heartfelt joy of a moment. That rare smile which leaves you dancing. The feeling of floating and swinging in the sunset.
One thing we know about life is, it is a robber. A thief. Leaves you deprived of something. Maybe not now, maybe not before, but sooner or later. It is written in the future. Because we are familiar with 'nothing lasts forever.' You will eventually lose the thing you are most passionate about. It may be the money you love. Or you favourite TV series. Or your love for your favourite boyband. That could die down. It may be the person who lights up your world. Who means so much to you. How many times have we said to them that we love them? I have not let them know. I couldn't bring myself to. Just like a lot of people, I too live in denial. The refusal to believe in reality.
Let me tell you what 2012 has taught me. When the year begin, I foolishly declared that I'm going to make sure 2012 is the best year I will ever have. And then I was knocked off my feet. And was forced to realise the cold truth. Events happened. I read books, a lot of them, and funnily, they all came in the same theme. I watched movies which I was forced to reflect in pain. I love happy endings. But I found out that happy endings are possibly fictional. You don't go smiling into your grave. Trust me, you don't. I listen to innocent kids die, brutally shot in the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. Kids who were excited for Christmas, the presents and the holidays in whole.  Before that, a man bursts into a cinema, during the premiere of the Dark Knight Rise, and decided that many people should die. And then later on, a week ago or so, a woman was gang-raped with such brutality, beaten to pieces with the rod also used during the rape and thrown off a bus. She died after days of battling for her life. But maybe it's better if she died. If what happened to her hadn't killed her, the trauma would have simply prevented her from living. Darkness would have been permanent. You see what happened? We live in a world of monsters, thriving healthily among us. Monsters who see things as a joke. You can feel evil emanating within their veins. I'm often curious, what is going on through their heads? For all I know, I had thought they were humans like us. Who feel pain. Who knows the difference between the good and the bad. Why would it make you happy to see the pain, the suffering of another? How can it not have broken you?
The human mind is a mysterious thing. It is the same, yet not the same. I'll never understand reality, it baffles me unforgivingly. But what it has told me, all these tragedies, and the dawn of realisation upon reading that book is, anything can happen. You dream of a future which falls in your control, only to have it robbed away from you. The kids from the Sandy Hook's tragedy, their future. The girl who was gang-raped, her future. Victims. Preys. The innocent. We will never know what will happen. Life is not a series of Final Destination movies, no.
You know what life is instead? It is living each and every moment. Most people are too busy look in front, or too busy looking over their shoulders, they fail to breathe in the moment. I know, we have all heard of this countless time, yet who cares. But recently I find this point overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point of choking. I think of my future, I fall in despair. Sure enough I'm working hard as it is to achieve success and all that, but I am afraid, what will I do when I get there. How long will that sense of satisfaction last, before it is replace with depression, from realising I sacrificed time and moments of magic to reach the peak of brief satisfaction. Because that is how people live today. They spend all of their today working their butt off for the future. The little things left unseen. And then they spend their future regretting things they've missed. I was in Japan the past week, and boy did I learn alot about life. Achievements after achievements, upholding their pride, but beneath it, you can see the strain in the people. The pressure, the fear. They live in a beautiful country, and absolutely stunning one, but I wonder how many of them stop just to see it.
I felt that I have not done enough these nineteen years. I let hate, bitterness and insecurities to creep up my walls. Yes, I regret. And then there was selfishness. I greed for things I want. But if Lou Suffern, the main character of the book, can find space to change, so can I. Change for the better, and perhaps that should be the new year's resolution. In this case, it's a manageable one. Because it hits right to the conscience. I wish to lose the selfishness, to share love, to give love, to appreciate things better, to smile more, to treasure the ones who mean the world to me. I want to give them something in return. It's the fear of losing which keeps us alive. On our feet, and learn to appreciate more than ever. And learn to survive through it all.
Because we are all finding for that moment we feel infinite. 

Have a great New Year's Day everyone. Here's to an amazing year ahead.

Since We Found Out, That Anything Could Happen

The last three weeks have been absolutely crazy, I'm not even exaggerating. I swear, even 'crazy' seems to be an understatement. I have four assignments, and I had to pass up three of them back to back on the Monday of every week. Meaning, I had only one week to research and complete three 3000+ words of essays for three consecutive week. THANK GOD for the holidays, my fourth essay is only to be passed up on the 3rd of January. Thank you, God.
It was exhausting, week after week, each day committed to doing something that increased the mental pressure. But you know what? Exhausting as it may have been, I actually enjoyed it. Because these assignments pushed me to my limits and tested my willpower. No, really. I missed a couple of dinners, an open house and a shopping trip to Pavillion, where I could have shopped for so many things, because of the end-of-the-year sales. But I didn't. Every time I was asked to join in anything, I said no. Not till I finish the work I have yet to be done with. Thinking back, my willpower actually astounded me. I managed to resist a couple of story books as well as the video marathons, that is until I'm done with my work that is. And then, there is the swelling pride of mine. Every time I finish one assignment, you could be sure I would be dancing around my room, smiling like a fool. I swear. Last Sunday, I was done with my Public Law assignment by four in the afternoon, and trust me by my standard, hell, by a law student's standard, that was pretty good. Most people dragged their assignments into the dead of the night, or even, a couple of hours before the deadline at 10 in the morning on Monday. That's quite an achievement on my part. ;) AND AFTER PRINTING, I don't know, I just couldn't stop smiling. I was just feeling gooooood. And then I swooned over Hugh Jackman till the late at night. No shit, I'm serious. Christina was my victim. I made her, yeah, MADE HER listen to my demented fangirling. The MAN'S SO PERFECT WHAT CAN I SAY. He's up there, the level of Christian Bale. You just can't turn away.
 Crazy times, crazy times. AND the prayer I do each time I print out my papers, only because I was too lazy to go and buy the cartridges.
At least I can breathe for now. I've been rocking the holiday spirit these few days. Just couldn't stop feeling so happy in my heart. I haven't felt like that for so long, mind you! Everything feels a million times more beautiful than ever. The Christmas spirit. The holiday spirit. The lovely songs I've been entertained with these days. Gabrielle Aplin is amazing! The decor in the shopping malls! Smiles all around. December finally feels like December. :)
I have a two more days of class to brace through, and then holidays, will you be mine? Hahaha. More time to swoon over Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Nathan and whoever I come across, I guess. ;)
And more happy dances.
And keeping finger crossed for a magical holiday in the Land of the Rising Sun! Man, that sound dramatic.
Maybe I've just found home at a place I thought I would never love. ;)

Happy December and Happy Holidays, everyone! Lots of love.

Without You To Hold, I'll Be Freezing.

EVERYBODY LIKE ED SHEERAN NOW. What? Hey I'm a girl and I'd like to keep some things to myself. Like Ed. He's like my guardian angel. Don't know if that makes any sense, but... WITH THAT VOICE HOW COULD YOU NOT DESCRIBE HIM AS AN ANGEL? Geez. I love you, Ed. It's your fault that you're so lovable. Hmph.

I wanna hold your heart in both hands, now I'll watch you fizzle at the bottom of the Coke can.

Cold Nights, Wet Roads, Lights.

It's just a sad world. A lot of people are just so sad these days. I am definitely one of them. And apparently there's such a thing as Seasonal Affected Depression. I meet the syndromes listed out in this 'depression'. And it's almost like I've given up on hope.
I had imagined life to be like the feeling when I see... loads of balloons. Bouquets of roses. Basket of flowers. A room with shelves right to the ceiling all around, full of books. Strings of light decorated all around. Fairy lights in gardens. A baby's shy smile and laughter. The feeling I get when I listen to Charlie Brown. The smile on my face each time I watch Wanted Wednesday videos. I want it to be permanent. I want something to rely on. I want every thing else to be a lot more beautiful than what I'm experiencing.
I want so much, but you don't get them the way you want them to.
My life started falling apart these two years. I am bugged with insecurities after insecurities. I've cried more than I ever did for seventeen years. Don't know if it's going to end any time soon. I just want a way to let this all out, and close out all the things that has tore me apart. What am I afraid of? I'm just afraid that it's always going to be this way. For the rest of my life. I need an escapade.

Honestly, I'm trying hard enough to stop caring what would people think about me. If I'm going to be hated for something I am, for being something I am good at, so be it. I'm tired of trying to please everyone and be so nice, and then nothing. Just be nothing. I should have listen to them and my gut feelings. They told me to be myself. Now I know how Cece Frey feels. And right now, she's my hero.
Because we only want to be ourselves.

December is supposed to be a very happy month, damn it.

“Not a lot of people know what it feels like, do they? To be angry in your bones. I mean, they “understand”. Foster parents, teachers, everybody understands; for a while. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after a while they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boy’s home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

—	John Blake

Lights Will Guide You Home, And Ignite Your Bones, I Will Try, To Fix You

Sometimes when there's just too much in my head, and I need to let it out, I come here. Other times are just to let myself know that, hey, I'm still alive. This time, I need to let it out. I've been in a considerably cheerful mood the past 48 hours, and now I'm feeling depressed like never before. Typical. I should be starting on my assignments, planning and drafting. But I feel like my mind's a complete mess, like I can't do this. Like I need a proper break, see the world, learn to breathe and then focus on my priorities.
What are my priorities? Sometimes, I myself can't answer that. I don't know what I really want in life. I'm still trying to find out. To find out what I want out of life, what I want to be.
I don't want to be in a relationship like most girls my age. No. But with all this weird things happening in my life, all of sudden I feel weak, and shallow. And it's something I hate to feel. I have always wanted things to go my way, but obviously that hardly ever happens. And then you get all that ranting and unnecessary anger I feel up to a point. I can't be in control of myself, how ever am I gonna be in control of my life.
My father may not be the most loving father ever. He's just not the type of father who goes 'my children are my life, I love them to death, and I would give anything for them.' No. Because he had a bad childhood experience with his father, and such bitterness can leave a very deep mark in a person. But he's a father who teaches his kids to always be strong, to always be in control of your own ground and never bow to another. Not directly of course, we don't get a sit down session where he advices us about how life is. No. But we do get an awful loads of scoldings. And I've seen my father working. And making his way from nothing. However much bitter I might feel when he gets into his scolding mode, I must say I am incredibly proud of him. And he's an inspiration like no other.
Just watching him makes me strong. Ambitious. With big dreams. I know I don't think the same way like most people. Although I've had the privilege to meet some people along the way. Doing things their way. I want something big out of my life, something I can be proud of.
It's just sometimes, I feel weak and shallow. Like I want to be ignorant, feel young and have fun like how people stereotyped young people these days. I should hit myself for even wanting that. Because that's not who I am, who I've grown up to be. But it's the impulses and shallowness of the moment that comes once in a while when you feel like letting go and to just have fun. We all have that guilty pleasure. But the last thing I want to be while living life, is ignorant. And I want people to know, that I am different. I hate playing by the rules that has already been set out, because to quote Demi Lovato, "Baby, that's not me, no, no."
A huge part of my priorities is to make my father proud. Success is nothing if there's no one to share with, and no one to be proud of you. And he wants me to do well so badly. I know I've let him down in my choice of career, but there's hope. And I'd like him to see that. I know he'd like to see me as a successful corporate figure, and I am ready to take up that challenge. Having a challenge makes every else much much more exciting, and this one, I believe meets the scale of bungy jumping. Sure thing. I want to be the best at what I do, just like him. And I'm a follower of people being the best at what they do. Lewis Hamilton. One of the fastest if not the fastest racer in Formula One. He may not have won multiple world championships, but he has made sure the cameras were trained on him more than anyone else during the race. Rafael Nadal. And outsider at first, until he took his forte, his passion for the red clay courts and made it his own. And it is then everyone hails the King of Clay. The Wanted, before you laugh, I believe you have a misconception that is in turn laughable. Because I have not seen anyone working as hard as The Wanted. They are an example of not  following the rules. Because in truth, I agree with them, don't care what anyone else think or say. They never matter.
My family is huge priority. I love them with more than I can say, and I'm blessed with such beautiful people.
My dogs, taught me what real pure love is. Nothing beats the moment I return home from class and seeing him bounding his way to me, asking me to carry him. That's Torres. And Messi, he just wants to be cuddled  and played with like every little child wants. They are love.
And then, there's friends. Sometimes I feel dreadfully alone, I push them away. I couldn't express how sorry I really am. No one's perfect and I shouldn't expect so much out of people. Maybe my PMS-ing rage is becoming just so worst. It doesn't matter how many friends I have, as long as they are all nice people. People you can connect to. So thank you.
While people are huge priorities, I want more than anything to learn more, and see more. I want to hold my own ground and succeed with my own efforts. I want to do great things and give a lot more.
It might have made Cece Frey sound demented when she said, "I want to succeed as badly as I want to breathe" but in truth, she's just someone who knows what she want to achieve. Although it couldn't have hurt for her to put it in nicely. But it's important for us to be our own people, I suppose. I've learnt to say no to things I know I shouldn't want. If only the action of it was easier. And I can deal being in a relationship with either Nathan Sykes, Josh Cuthbert, Andy Brown or Ryan Fletcher for now, because hey, how long more do I have before I have to ditch my teenage dream imagination. ;)

I want my life to a continuous Coldplay soundtrack. From Charlie Brown to Yellow to Fix You to Viva La Vida to Paradise to The Scientist to Clocks, etc. on and on. Everything in my life played out to my own beat, my own tune, knowing I'm strong enough to believe in everything. I just need that faith to go on. 

Confidence Like A Rockstar

I've been such a bitter child as of late. I have no time to be bitter when tomorrow comes. No, really. Life is going to be crazy. I have only two weeks to finish the first assignment, a week later for the second and another week to follow for the third. HOW AM I TO SURVIVE. And the next four days this week, I will be attending the Israel-Palestine war crime tribunal from 9-5 in PWTC, and by the time I'm back, I'm as good as dead. AND there's THREE minor assignments to be passed up next week. But then again, it's the university life. And the reality starts tomorrow.
My Deepavali celebrations this year, however quieter it is compared to the years previously, it's more family orientated, and I loved it. :) Being a festival of light, it sure did enlighten me. Oh so I say. I'm such a screwed-up mess. But I had an amazing time, I can't complain. I shouldn't. I'm ready to forgive the world. :)
And you can say that I'm PMS-ing at all times. I'm disgusted with myself. I think. Or maybe not.
And the constant worry. How will Liverpool fare? (They scored big yesterday thanks to THE MAN LUIS SUAREZ!) or when will Rafael Nadal be back? With Lewis meanwhile, we are both laid-back because we know how things are there's need no worry, because Mclaren is such a screwed-up team, anyway. AND after Kye's elimination, I thought I wouldn't care for anyone anymore. I was wrong. Union J won my heart. And a certain Josh Cuthbert. But they are probably gonna be eliminated tonight. Sigh.
AND I turned down someone last week. On top of being socially-awkward, I just.. I mean I was a complete anti-social whale for more than two months, and yet someone came and... I'm sorry. He was so completely nice, acceptable looks, really friendly, but uhm, no. I just don't hook up and all.. AND I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD. Why do you do this to me. How am I gonna attend classes in peace now. I'm so sorry?Gosh, everything makes me crazy. AND CHRISTINA, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
Anyway, I told Chris all about my life plans, at least about the main goals, and I'm hoping it doesn't seem absurd. She's just disappointed about why I turned down. As if she doesn't have enough love-life crisis of her own. God, why is everything so complicated.

There's just so much in me, to say out, I'm losing my mind. So much to do, so little time.
I need that confidence, that hope, that belief, that I can't do anything. A part of me can feel it, the other, not so much. Because I know what it's like to feel lost and insecure. I need to wake up.

I love you, Andy Brown. And you too, Nath.

I said people, we're all looking for love tonight, sometimes we can't see it, we're blinded by the light. 

Believing all that shit is gonna heal your soul.

When people go, "What is life?", I see myself watching from the outside. Like the word 'life' is a complete foreign term. Because I don't want reality to be 'life'. But then again, when are we ever satisfied?

First, you think the worst is a broken heart.

Hullo. It's November already and the week I've been waiting for months now is here! Celebrations! I love this time of the year. Like how most people hold on to Christmas every year, I wait for Deepavali, or Diwali, more commonly known. You get excited. Wanting everything to be perfect. Imagining the moments you'll have. The happiness you can't wait to get soak into.
But I learnt the hard way this year, that you will never get what you expect. Not even 10% of it. It has always been the opposite, a disaster, leaving you all broken down. For example, my birthday, this year. It was supposed to be really special. Well, I am nineteen, and August 19th, had meant so much to me. In fact the numbers 19, 1 and 9 have always been a big part of my life. I always somehow manage to connect things to those number. Hey, what's life without those self-constructed coincidences. And I expected this birthday to be amazing. What more, it fell on Sunday! I haven't had a birthday on a holiday for ages, and definitely not on a weekend for years now. AND it was on the first day of Hari Raya. So much of lovely coincidences, you'd expect it to be perfect. Well, I did. And I was dead wrong. A friend of mine thought they could have my celebration in Sunway Pyramid, it would be fun and everything. Honestly, he was such a sweetheart. I couldn't thank him more. But, well, the others didn't really cooperate, they wanted to have fun for themselves, so they ended up doing something I do not like. I didn't join, because I just couldn't bring myself to and I remove myself from the spotlight. Not that I ever was. Typical of me. It was the lousiest birthday celebration ever, because after I said I won't join them and sat at the side, no one cared how I felt. I was just there, being ignored. It was hurtful. And here I am being all bitter about it. Sometimes, if you're like me, you'd just want to be heard, about how lonely you feel, and lost. And insecure. Because there's no one willing to watch your back. I know I've been nothing but nice to people, most of the time. Compliment them, make them feel happy. Just feel I don't get it in return. Sounds probably childish that the only presents I got this year, was three Batman figurines from my dad, because that is exactly what I wanted. And then, there's those lovely accessories from my aunt and uncle and then there's that amazing card from Afiqah who is just so incredible. And that's it. What about the people I believed who are closed to my heart? Who were, to be exact. I pushed everyone away, in these two weeks. There's never anyone real or genuine. Then there's these people called friends, who promised me they will come around for a hang out, for lunch or movie, and then bail out at the very last minute. Last minute as in on that day itself. One of them was asleep, and not willing to wake up and join me. But then you see them going around for gatherings elsewhere, with other mutual friends, naturally to gatherings I wasn't invited to. Because I'm not important enough. Hahah.
I realise, I've never fit in anywhere. People I care and love so much just treat me like I'm just another junk in their life. I'm being pathetic, I know, but hey, it's the truth. I want to believe that it could be a misunderstanding, but it's not. Everyone else had a better birthday celebration than me, and they flaunt it on Facebook, like woooo in yo face. Why, thank you. You see, the person, me, who wanted an amazing celebration THE MOST, gets THE WORST. I could go on. Wondering what's wrong with me. But I've given up. I've given up on everyone, who's ever meant something to me. As long as I've got someone to talk to in class, and during my entire train ride, I'll survive. I've got my books I get lost into, I've got music which has always been there no matter what, I've got the people who doesn't even know I exist. Maybe it's easier that way. I've learnt a lot more, being silent and observant. And just stop with all those nonsense about being here for me and shit. I do believe I'm dealing with 'authentic suck-ups and two-faced phoneys', nothing you say is gonna justify yourself. Because everyone else is having the time of their lives, no? Everyone else have their ideal birthday celebrations come to life, everyone else have friends who genuinely care. And I'm here like, "fuck all of you." Pretty much why I've given up on hoping for a happy Deepavali. That reminds me, I invited some bunch of friends from high school to my open house last year, no one turn up, no? Just the ones from college.
 So don't pretend you care for me, or ever, be happy for me. No one ever is. Except for my dogs.


And a very Happy Deepavali to everyone.

And the sixth, is when you admit, you may have fucked up a little.

You Either Die A Hero, Or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villian.

So, I felt the need to blog twice in a day. The first to let everyone know I am still alive and blooming well, and the second, let's go to some serious stuff. Like, who really is my hero. WHO INSPIRES ME SO MUCH, that I get on every day hoping so much I'll be in his place someday. He struts with some unspoken philosophy, something I saw and understand and I pray to speak that language. He is someone who made me realise that life has it's purposes, YOU, have your purposes. Ignorance is unforgivable, you have a role to serve. And to serve it, to have to create the role and make it your own. He is a man living the reality of the character he plays in those box office hit movies.

And he is, Batman. No seriously, I'm talking about Christian Bale. Christian Charles Philip Bale.Christian finally got to meet activist Chen Guangcheng, who is blind, and presented with him the Human Rights First award. 
"A lawyer, Chen was punished by the Chinese government after documenting and speaking out against injustices in the country, including alleged forced abortions." THAT, WORLD, is Chen Guangcheng. A noble soul. A real hero. 

As reported, this is the story between Christian Bale and Chen Guangcheng:
'Bale sought to meet him, along with a CNN camera crew, last December when Chen was on house arrest. The actor drove eight hours from Beijing -- where he was celebrating the premiere of his film "Flowers of War" -- to Dongshigu. There he was met by a group of unidentified Chinese security officers. The officers clearly did not want Bale and the crew getting close to Chen, deterring them with physical force. When Bale and the crew decided to leave peacefully, the officers continued to chase them by car.

Chen escaped house arrest earlier this year, seeking refuge at China's U.S. embassy, which ignited a diplomatic crisis. Chen was eventually allowed to leave China with his family and now resides in New York where he is studying law at NYU. He also has a memoir due out next year.'

And would you believe that. I read this, and it broke my heart. To think there are amazing people like these men in real life, and yet what we doing with our life? At times it makes me feel, put down, you know? It has always been my biggest dream to achieve that position in life where I could help and stand up for people. I've been reading and watching injustices happening each day, and yet there is nothing I could do. Occasionally I stand up for someone who needs the support, even with the words hurled at my way, I was still proud I did it. Even if it creates the strain in some valuable relationship I have with people. This, is true. It breaks my heart to see that particular person being bullied almost every day, and I do my best. But at times, I feel that it is not enough. I am not enough of a person to stand up for another. Makes me feel inferior. And that is why Christian Bale is such an inspiration. Another person who has won me, is Adam Levine. Trust me, I am not the person to be swooning over Adam Levine because he's hot. I have Fernando Torres for that. But some things Adam says on The Voice, tears me up. Because it's so powerful. Like when the 16 year old didnt impress the judges with his performance, but his heart-rendering story and life struggles touches all of us, Adam said something really powerful there. "You were way better than I was at your age." If that doesn't give hope, I don't know what does. And the time when he stood up for De'borah during the battle rounds, saying what she need to hear, the real motivation for someone who doesn't fit in society, that is incredible. 

Back to Christian Bale, what he did was incredible. China needed a hero to look up to, and Christian Bale standing up for Chen Guangcheng is everything an activist needed. The needed the fire for his cause. God knows how much the world needs of men like these. In fact we all need more real life Batmans around. And no one said you can't be one. 

Give me a chance I'll make a, permanent reservation.

Two more days, and it's November! Holy cow, how the hell did we reach here?! I SWEAR, I can remember the 1st of January like it was yesterday. It's like I can feel each and every day as it goes by, and I can feel it go by very fast at the same time. Aaaaand, I've not achieved anything that would make myself proud. Hmph. Second year in a row. I don't know, these two year, it seems like I've taken my foot off the pedal. Settle down and watch as life goes by. And for some crazy reason, I actually like it. Because I learnt so much about life. No, really. And I learn to try not to be ignorant. Life is too extremely short to be ignorant. One moment I was a seven year old carrying my new school bag, donning my new uniform anxiously finding my classroom with my dad on the first day of school (I was late for class.) and now I'm an emotional, sensitive, certifiably crazy during my PMS moments, cussing, confused teenager. If there's one thing that has really changed in me this past year, is that I have began to explore into the colourful world of profanities. Yes, you heard that right. The number of time I go, "Well, FUCK YOU TOO." is unprecedented. I'm that bitter teenager. And I hate a lot of people.
Actually I'm much better off than I was during my last post. I'm actually having fun. Not that I made new friends, but you know, I have a comfy home, and the flow of entertainments, I can survive. I'm having so much fun, that I'm beginning to slack in my homework. DAMN. To be truthful, since elementary school, I have NEVER KEPT UP with homework. Always the last minute job. I doubt that's gonna change anytime soon. My lecturer gave some Criminal Law assignments due this Wednesday, a month ago, and guess what? I have not finished it. AND IT'S A LOT. Good job, Deena, GREAT job in fact. Sigh. I'll get it done tomorrow.
Last Saturday, we had a gathering with the old gang. Bryan, Brian, Chris, Wei Sze, Eu Jian, Kern Yen, Vincent and me. GOD I MISSED THEM SO MUCH. And thankfully, they haven't changed much. And I'm hoping they won't. Lol. I was scrutinising them, but they're fun, and normal. If you want to call them normal. I mean at least they haven't sprout tentacles and an extra limb at the back or something. Always a good time with them. And I've learnt that these are the people worth fighting to keep in your life.

Life suuureee have it's crazy way of working. LIKE THE FACT FERNANDO TORRES GOT HIS SECOND RED CARD IN A PERIOD OF MORE OR LESS A YEAR. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. THIS. WORLD.

I'm fine, don't worry. I'm not crazy, I'm just.. well I'm being normal. A big messed-up paranoid teenager.

I'm all alone at the crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home.

Here, I am back, to rant about life as I know it. YEAH IT SUCK SO BAD.
Something is wrong with me today. Completely wrong. There's this anxiety building in me, the silent one which threatens to choke, and suffocate. And oh my the restlessness. And everything fell apart today. Just one of those days where I couldn't lift myself up. And the anxiety I felt, the creeping suffocation, reminds me too exactly of how I feel a day before exams during A-Levels. The fear, the loud paranoia and worst of all, the complete hopelessness. I just don't understanding why am I stuck with this feeling. I've been reading a story book, (a quite unhealthy one about vampires, murders and freaky suspense) in bed ALL DAY LONG and I find myself unable to differentiate between reality and... fantasy. And there's the regenerated fear for Mondays. I cannot sit in a classroom for four straight hours, watching people who are from an entirely different realm from me. Maybe that's the problem. Fear of going to class? I'm making friends progressively well, not too many nor none at all, but I felt like I haven't found the right one. Maybe that is what that has been nagging me all this while. Everyone is so... different. I just couldn't find that person I could connect with. Like in Taylors' I've had bad moments, but I had someone, or mind you, a group of people who makes me feel at home. There's Rachel Saw. Very importantly, she was one of the people I could really really connect with, and made my classes worth attending. (Somewhere along the road last year, I lost myself.) She is amazing. We had so much fun gossiping about things and incredibly the crazy things we have done and talked about. I CAN'T FIND ANYONE, ANYONE! TO BE CRAZY WITH HERE! I doubt normal teenagers talk the way Rachel and me do. Not those boy talk or clothes or whatever girls speak about these days, she spends her time talking obsesssively on world domination plans and I rebutted them, and then there's our favourite genre of book talk, fantasy! And celebrities. Singers, actors. How we both loooove Ke$ha. NOT. I NEED YOU HERE RACHEL SAW. I need a little insanity in life to remain sane here.
And my best boy and girl, Christina and Bryan. We keep up ALL THE TIME, yet it's never quite the same. Occasionally there's this thing we go crazy on twitter or whatsapp, the usual teasing, Christina's new crush, Bryan's not-so-failproof way of winning HIS crush, and the regular Batman dialogue talks, but it's not the same having them next to me. GOD, EVERYONE'S MOVING ON SO FAST!
I need, really really need someone to connect with. Someone insane. Come on, where ARE YOU?! I have great friends, Ching Yin and Sze Ying are angels, but.. it's just not the same. I need help. I need therapy. Or maybe I just need an escapade from my dad's possessive upbringing of us. There you go, the bitter daughter has been set loose. I love my parents, but I wish that they could give me a breather. Have real fun for once. Because right now, I'm just a bitter, moody and restless teenager out of touch of the sense of belonging. I need faith. And it would help if there at least give me the motivation and support. I'm tired of the constant doubts and misunderstood perceptions. I was hoping He would help me with that. Give me someone, ANYONE, who's a lot like me, yet not quite the same, who's certifiably crazy, with crazy but amazing ideas, who laughs like there's no tomorrow and who could make me feel at home. Just clone yourself, Rachel. I'm being an emotional wreck.

Dear Chris, it's always tough to lose a loved one, but you know they'll be in a better place. Among the stars, in heaven. Hoping you are staying strong at these moments.


On a side note, I'm dreading class tomorrow, SO BAD. Freshers night was last friday, (which I didn't attend, obviously) so most of my classmates have already broke the ice and already start being chummy with each other.. and then there's us. The social outcasts. Plus I'm tired of seeing a lot of those fake plastics inconsiderate boring sickening people with that weird priorities like looking pretty and "YOLO" kinda thing, I mean come on, how can you be so oblivious with the real life? Ignorance. Such ignorance.

Or maybe I'm just bitter. Whatever.

Yeah, we got this Bruce. 

Found you in a river of pure emotions!

The post, is seemingly aptly titled. River of pure emotions. Exactly where I was the past few weeks. You do know what it's like to be so overwhelmed with reality, that you just step out of it, not wanting to get involved in anything? Maybe I'm merely exaggerating. The last few weeks, has been whoa. I mean, it wasn't entirely bad, but me, the kid who can adapt to any situation anywhere anytime, I HAD A BAAAAD TIME trying to get used to the.. environment. Like I completely zoned out of life. I talked to no one but Gillian. True story. Whatever happened to me? I just couldn't get used to things. That's all. The subjects were great, very interesting, and doing something entirely new and fresh, definitely feels ama-zing. The lecturers make them wonderful, there's no doubt about that. But the bitter part of me? The homesickness in me. Homesick? Well I miss my friends so badly! The problem with me was I was building a wall around me. I keep saying to myself, I can never find great people like the ones I left back there. But I soon got over it. Soon as in this week. Allow myself to smile and make new friends. GOD, I'm such a drama person. Most people say, "Just go with the flow." You try and see lah. The thing about expectations, when you have them, they always let you down. Well most of the time. Because sometimes you tend to expect below par. Actually that hardly ever happens. But yeah. I was.. hoping to do something bigger, you know? All I know now is for the next two years I'll be needing to devote myself to studying. I want to do something MORE. Go out there and... start a revolution or something? Just kidding. But yeah, discover something new.
Just me feeling worthless. These moments, hit me so hard I want to kill myself. I do I expect, I should be President Obama by now? Oh ha ha ha. But I assure you, I got better. To counter the impatience I'm feeling and need to being something big and worthwhile, I set up small goals. Ain't that what life is all about, small things? Like as of next week I'll be using the train every day to and fro. Naturally we are not living in London or whatsoever, so the train rides is not very pretty here eh, but it's experience. :D (Don't bother trying to say anything opposite because for god's sake I'm trying to look at the bright side here, okay?) There are people I met today who travel aaaaallll the way from Seremban EVERY SINGLE DAMN MORNING to Brickfields, to study. And they have been doing it for nearly two years now, since they started on their A-Levels. WHAT THE HELL. And what makes ME think I can't do this. Oh right, the fact I was brought up like a princess, believing life's all a bed of roses. It's not, Deena, and you need to wake up, come on!
Sometimes, I think I convince myself way better than anyone else could, even if I lie to myself. I actually believe my lies. I'm so awesome.
I've been making sure my life is quite exciting, anyway. How? X-Factor US, X-Factor UK, and The Voice. Wooooo. Incredible. The talent pool in The Voice, AMAZING. You don't just get good singers you get GREAT singers. As for the X-factor US, you get all the American weirdos coming in droves. But there are some amazing singers, no doubt. Jeffrey Adam Gutt. Paige Thomas. As for the X-Factor UK where Boot Camp auditions are over and now to the judges house performances, I ONLY HAVE ONE FAVOURITE. How can he NOT be a favourite. Kye Sones. He is AMAZING. Remember that name, Kye Sones. I was really happy when Gary is going to become his mentor. You genius, Simon! I NEED THIS GUY TO WIN SO BAD. I practically watch all the auditions and performances BEFORE it hits the TV. (Well, X-factor UK never does hit our Malaysian channels.)
These things, make me go. Keep pushing. Sports has been a huge let down these days. Mclaren screw up a couple of times, Lewis Hamilton the arguably best racer on track is on the losing end because of his ridiculously ass of a team. Liverpool... We are riding on a wave of complete bad luck. Still chasing our first win of the season, when Chelsea's already 11 points ahead of us. ERGH. Rafael Nadal's still battling injury, he's not coming back anytime now. YET, I'm not giving up on them. Once a Liverpool fan ALWAYS a Liverpool fan. And Lewis and Rafael have NEVER disappointed me on their own accord, so why should I worry? Much love, guys. Life is not  bad.
You just never get things the way you expect them to happen. You just have to make the best of the small things in life. Cheers! 

You can find yourself standing in the hall of fame, and the world's gonna know your name.

You know that feeling of wanting to be positive to everything and take life easy, yet it is not that easy to convince yourself deep down in your heart? I can however easily sum up my first week of my degree programme: Interesting, intriguing, confusing and no less frightening. But I suppose confusion rings a loud bell to me. Half the time I don't know what am I doing with life. You see, most people have a definite ambition as well as goals, which they pay strong belief to. Me? All I feel is complete paranoia. Fear. Sometimes, I get sick of it. Sick of the constant fear I feel. But most of the time, fear gave no space for any sort of emotions. The number of times I feel like putting a pillow over my head and never surface. Let life crawl on in it's own pace, as long I stand at the sidelines merely watching. The constant feel of wanting to cry. And when I think of the expectations heaved on me.. I'm a coward. Afraid of taking risks. Afraid of what another might think. Afraid and afraid of everything. That is when I go to my favourite things, for comfort. Music. Listening to artists who have become a part of me. The Wanted. The Script. Ed Sheeran. Eminem. And occasionally random songs which could potentially lift me up. And then, my favourite story books. To name them all would be tedious, naturally. But there are two series which, holds very close to me. Harry Potter. The books which gave me hope and belief every time I read them. A decade ahead and there isn't a single year which I missed out on reading them. And a recent new found love, The Hunger Games series. The books tell me exactly what the world is like. In reality. How many times have I said, we are all living in a bigger scale and less brutal version of the Hunger Games. True enough, 'everybody's waiting, for the fall-out.' To see you breakdown. People take pleasure in talking about that sad story. With no sympathy, to laugh off another's mistakes, remorselessly. And they complain, the generation these days, have become too soft, too insecure. Or, they go, the generation these days, too brash, too rebellious. We can never please anyone these days, no? Because there's no such thing as perfect. And yet, it is that people these days are looking for. Without the slight understanding that, one man's idea of perfection, is never the same as another's. Life is all like a huge circus. Someone's always the ringmaster, making us run in circles. Except that everyone has a different ringmaster. His whip, are things we fear. Fear is not something that comes naturally, it is man-made. And we fall for that trap.
Life is confusing. Life makes me all confused. What am I to do? My frequently asked question. How am I suppose to live life? Do I consent to the pressure of the society, their diss and hiss allowed into my nightmare, breaking into my defence? Dear God. Some people cannot get the fact why I adore the British boyband, The Wanted so very much. Some may call it shallowness, on my part. The typical today's generation-esque. Fangirling, they say. Obsession over something quite pointless. Well then, here's my defense; You see, this boyband, is a face of today's generation, the brash and bold and rebellious part of us. And yes, it is not too hard to see that as 'today's' generation, we make the pie chart of different characteristics. It's almost like you can see where the strong and weak stands, like an invisible line separating us. Yet, they never realise the strong does not necessarily make the better part of us today, neither does the weak making the useless part of the society. The weak, could be the silent ones, the ones who work their magic with their actions. With a little more love. And care. The strong, are the loud ones, the ones bold enough to make a stand for what makes a better world for them today, with verbal words, and in a way preventing oppression by men who parades around wearing the ringmasters chain.
Back to The Wanted. To me, they are a symbol. Like Batman. But in what way? They didn't see themselves rise to stardom as easily as, One Direction? They are people who continued their efforts, genuinely believing that there is hope. That they can make it. Criticism came their way, hurting me and their die-hard fans, but they took it with pride. And the best part, they love what they do. They actually have real fun in what they do. They laugh. They joke. They make fun of themselves. Society's biggest problem today, is the inability to make fun at themselves. Eaten up by ego bigger than themselves, they scorn at what may be stereotyped imperfections, believing that they are way above the other. The moment a man thinks in such a way, is the moment a man falls from his perch. Falling and falling until he can stop himself with a humble root. No one is ever above another.
I may be just nineteen, not old enough to have seen and experience a large part of life, and the world itself, but I am thankful to my parents for raising me up in a way I am not ignorant to the world and everything around me. I grew up observant, learning from another. I learnt the emotions and experiences of my favourite sportspeople, not merely supporting them to win. I learnt from their defeat. I learnt how to accept criticism from the criticism they received. I learnt to make better decisions from their well-documented mistakes. It may imply hear that you might think I think myself to be perfect, but I beg to difer, I am far from it. I am learning to live. And the important part about living: is learning. I make sure learning is a part of my daily life, because only then I am living my life, no? What tower are we all climbing, yearning to reach the peak? It's never about the destination, it's about the journey. The journey, in which I constantly fear. And I am holding on to hope.

Now it seems a world away, but I miss the thing, are we ever gonna feel the same?

Hello and it's September. Can you believe it? What happened to the last eight months? But I must say I am very happy to see the back of them, wouldn't want to go back even if I get the chance. In a law school right now. Pretty interesting. I must say Taylors' was a million times more comfortable than my current place, but you can't always have beds of roses. I love my subjects though. Probably because I'm so sick of all those science subs and mathematics, is history. Honestly, I hate maths. So much. But law, yeah very interesting. VERY. Lecture classes are huge though. Possibly more than 200 people. My only problem however, is the cold room. I just cannot stay within a cold room for long periods of time. 4 hours, today. Got that headache as soon as I came out, and had to nurse it all the way till lunch. (Plus I didn't eat my dinner the night before and breakfast this morning. I was queasy, alright?) In fact, my first day could have been a lot worst. What I don't get is, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST BUILD A NICE CAMPUS THAT WILL ACCOMMODATE FOR ALL OF US AND EVERYONE WOULD LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER? You just don't get it. The hassle we were put through. Good Lord.
But considering I'm the science student venturing into a new realm, it definitely could have been way disastrous. So obviously, I have a lot of work to be done, to be on par, you know? But well, it could be loads fun. At least I wouldn't be completely bored of the subjects unlike those who have done it before right? Hello, optimism right here. But really, I might fall in love with my choice. Who knows.
The resentful part however, is the fact the people I love, are all cooped up in IMU. Oh-kay there's Christina, then Bryan Ong is joining next year, AND Brian Teoh and Jon might be there. And there's a few others of my friends. WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING SCIENCE. I feel like an outcast. Maybe not. Chris and me made a vow. We will always be best friends. No matter what. Here I go making myself cry. As senseless I am at times, you have to agree how hard it is to move away from a part of life which you once believed, you could hold on to. Like your best friend's starting a new life all over, and so am I, honestly, how long can we hold on? At some point, would I be stop asking how her day went? It felt the same once upon a time. When I had a best friend, and then I lost him. Painful. And here I go being emotional. But then again, if people ask me to describe life in two words? I would always say, overwhelming and suffocating. And it's from there exactly, the joys of life are born. Along with loads of love. To those who have always believed in me and accept me as I am, I love you guys so much.
Nothing made my day like the phone call I got from my grandmother this morning. She said she was so happy and proud that I'm starting university today. Thanks, Grandma. I'll make you proud. :')

I need something to rely on.

Things to keep me sane for the next two years:

THE WANTED. Harry Potter. Christina's rantings. The piano, Merida. My guitar, Cambriel. THE WANTED. Story books. (Pravin wants me to catch up and the LOTR series. Uhm, I shall see first.) Bryan Ong's random pick up lines. My family. Formula One. Lewis Hamilton. Rafael Nadal. English Premier League. Liverpool. Fernando Torres. THE WANTED. My favourite Youtubers. Music. Nathan Sykes. Blogging. Movies. THE WANTED. More of Christina's rantings.

I'm just so afraid I'll lose my mind. Yeah the thing is, I'll be starting my study degree level the week after next. AND I'll be all alone in a big city, and after all those years of pampering from my family, I don't think this will be all a bed of roses. COMPLETELY unexpected. I hadn't expected to find a place for lodging nearby, and somehow it did. Godsend, I want to believe it. But if one thing's for sure, I'll be blogging alot. I think. Well you see, I AM socially awkward. AND I'm leaving the best of my friends behind, and moving on alone to embark on a journey with is quite frightening to say the least. AND AND AND the crowd I'm about to face in my university, isn't really the kind who I can totally click. I mean, I AM socially awkward. I just don't go with anybody and everybody. Yeah, I am an ass. Though there are nice people like Nadia, Ching Yin and Sze Ying, THEY'RE ARE NOT STAYING THERE. See the difference? Few hours of classes, and then ,I'm on my one. And I am hell bent on doing well there. I have to do this.
OH, WHAT THE HELL. If socially awkward is what I am, socially awkward is what I'll be. Whatever. I'll be the awesome socially awkward person. SHOUTOUT TO RACHEL SAW: I'LL MISS YOU, WOMAN. Don't think I can find anyone else like you. After one and a half year, and next thing I know, there will not be any Rachel Saw to entertain me. Sighs.
Why am I even blogging all this, I know not.

Says Nathan Sykes, "Victory, shall be mine." 

You're in control pressing pause on my heartbeat?

It's the last week as an eighteen year old. Eighteen was a nightmare, I tell you, and how very much I want to put the past behind. Put it behind but not forget it, naturally. Because there are good things to it. And I've met loads of wonderful people in the past one and a half year, it's not too bad.

If I get a birthday cake this year, (note that IF, because there's no celebration at home this nineteenth.) there would be just so many things I would wish for. The same things I wish upon the brightest star on certain nights. (The recent haze has bitterly disappointed me everytime I go outside in search for the stars.) Now that I've got a clear view as to what I am going to be facing in my future, I am PETRIFIED. So scared, that at times, it bothers me while I sleep at night, I had to wake up, read Harry Potter, THEN go back to sleep. But we are not talking about my fears here. I can't find words to describe how afraid I am. And I must be the only one. The paranoid parrot.

If there's a wish I DON'T wish upon a star, it must be for a very shallow reason. Don't ask me why, everyone has that depth of shallowness in them. Of course depths vary according to individuals, but without shallowness, how are we ever going to be having fun? So there you go. And I wish... I really really want to marry Nathan Sykes. The guy is practically my REALISTIC dream guy. Not realistic as in I'll have a chance to actually marry him, (Christina has never failed to remind me over and over again that I will never get a chance to date Nath, HEY, I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I?) realistic as in he is the perfect depiction of today's generation. But with good values. Headstrong. Everything I look for in our generation of boys? Because the current wave of male population around me is far from being a the dream teenager. I can't go on elaborating on the 'dream teenager' topic, however.
I'll have to accept the bitter truth that they will NEVER be anyone who is close to the Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne criteria. So easy for teenagers like us today to dream of that perfect Prince Charming in the white horse. Although I've never dreamt of any prince charmings before. When I became old enough to supposingly dream about my other half, I dream about kick-ass billionaires with intelligence next to no other. And a proper attitude naturally. Like I said, Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne. BUT THEY DON'T EXIST. They probably do, in that realm where unicorns roam.
SO. The least I could hope for would be Nathan Sykes. Someone like Nathan Sykes. Every single time there are tabloid rumours about him possibly hooking up with another girl, me (and the rest of the world where his fans are) goes, "I can't believe I had to see, the man of my dreams cheating on me.." (That's what he said.) Which are false of course. Ahhh Nathan, you drive us a hard bargain.
Who cares if he's afraid of roller-coaster rides and swimming with sharks? I've got enough bravado to last both of us. BAHAHA. No really. Come on, nobody's perfect. And I've gotten used to going on roller-coaster rides alone. No big deal.
And he looks like Sid the Sloth. Could I love him more?

I wished for a very special nineteenth, at the start of the year. Celebrations, probably not going to happen. BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, IDIOT. To me it's special. It reminds me of how much I need to channel my inner Harry Potter or Katniss Everdeen to face life. I'll be alright. Here's to a first birthday, all by myself. AND NO I'M NOT FISHING FOR SYMPATHIES. Sometimes you need to be alone to find who you really are. You need to bask in the hardest of times to find your capabilities. I'm more than willing to say goodbye, eighteen. Sunday morning, I'll go on a The Wanted marathon. On my iPod. And you know what's even more awesome? I still use my iPod obsessively everyday despite the half-bitten earphones of mine. Yeah, thanks, Torres. So if in the future, you meet me and say something only within the perimeter of the right side of my ear, and I don't answer you, you know my hearing's damage because only the right side of the earphones is working properly. And it's worth my life to ask my dad for a new one. 

I re-read the post again and wondered, what the hell did I just blogged about. Whatever. 

Someday, I'll Be Strong Enough To Lift, Not One But Both Of Us.

This is it. I'm going to begin a new life in two weeks time. A new life? Sounds dramatic, no? Although I do feel that I've gone through the storm and survived. Time for celebration! The thing is, I have successfully enrolled myself in a law school and am looking at a law career path and you have no idea how much I'm dying inside to do so well in this new path. I really really want to do this. And the consultant who helped me enrol today, was amazing. Her words gave off so much confidence and motivation, I feel I can do this. I KNOW I can do this. What can I say, I'm just so excited. Like a child who's been given a new doll.

These few months, the months I've been on break, have been frustrating and plain crazy. Friends who did not do A-Levels for Pre-U, had got themselves enrolled in universities in their respective courses, starting in September. Ditto for some friends who did A-Levels along with me. EVERYONE'S talking about their universities. How they are all excited for the future. How they are all determined to achieve their ambitions.
And then... there's me. Walking around with the feeling of an axe about to drop on my head any moment now. I have zero idea as to what is going to happen to me. What am I going to do. What if my results are too bad to consider any professional course? What if I have to resit my entire A2 examinations? What if my father do me a favour and kill me before I can think of any solutions to my failure? At some point I was so convinced I'm going to fail. Because the scenario kept popping in my head at the randomest of times, over and over again, and in two months, it has convinced me. But, HALLELUJAH! I didn't, and the nightmare I've been dreading, "Please don't make me go back there." did not happen. I am off to a new adventure. My mom can practically see the spring in my steps.

And I've got my mother's blessings, and that's EVERYTHING I could ask for. Her faith. It's what going to keep me moving. My consultant today, Sabrina, had lay out a challenge for me. A chance to prove myself. And I accepted it. 4 years of blood, sweat and tears? I'm up for it. I get pumped up easily, of course. I just wish it could happen. Whatever that I wish for. I don't think I could stand watching myself disappoint my father yet again. It's been long enough.

Sure I can do this. Wish me luck. "I'll do something epic, and they won't forget me, good enough, not good enough for me." :D

"Be free to write our own story. Follow our hearts and find love in our time." –Merida (Brave)

I'm going to be turning nineteen very soon, and I suppose there's a new start to life along with it too. For now, I can scream, "A-LEVELS IS HISTORY!" You have NO idea how relieved I am. But doesn't stop it from turning my life into a living hell though. My parents probably hate me because I have yet again, disappointed them. Not knowing how relieved and grateful I am to dear God that I finally get to move on.
For me, A-levels, was the biggest mistake I've done, in eighteen years of my life. While waiting for results, I was praying, "Please, please, please don't let me go back there." I don't think I could survive.
Personally, I think my parents were hoping that I would get really good results, and then looking at it I would change my mind and go back to wanting to study medicine. FAT CHANCE. Sorry, mom, sorry dad, but I've have completely lost interest in the science field. Not that I was interested in the first place. In secondary school, you felt like you have no choice. You HAVE to take science stream, because somehow it judges your intelligence. That's what society said. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But now, when I have the choice, THE choice, when I finally got to know what I should be doing, what I CAN do, and what with all the experiences I've obtained in the past one and a half year, nobody's impressed. Let's do that Mckayla Maroney face. Yeah that. Apparently I've spent all my time wasted last few years studying science and I will not be successful because I DO NOT WANT TO DO WHAT PEOPLE ASK ME TO DO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY KNOW ME BETTER. I'm livid alright. I wonder how it's like to live having people around you supporting you through those dark days, and motivating you and willing to help pick you up when you fall. Because trust me, I have none of those. Sometimes it hurts so bad, I just want to give up on life. Forget all the expectations and just drag my feet and just be a person with no ambitions. You just exist. But that's not me. I have big dreams, and I want to live my life to the fullest. But naturally it's not easy when there's little love and care in life. Sighs. I could break down from the words I'm being thrown at. I could cry the entire night and dread the following morning. I could lock myself up and not talk to anyone. But I don't want to because I believe in myself. I alone. And then, there's my friend. Christina, she's a jewel. I envy her, the love and care she gets from home. The support. But she gives me those. Her words, are inspiration. Motivation. Support. Love. Sometimes I feel like asking my parents, if you don't give me the support and love I need even if what I do doesn't make you proud, where else would I go? But I'm sure that will only fall to deaf ears. Christina's words are the source of strength, which makes me believe in me. That I am more than this. I know that because I have achieved great things before. People might have forgotten what I'm capable of, but not me. I am myself and I don't intend to change that. I saw this quote once,

"If you end up with a boring miserable life BECAUSE you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then your deserve it."

How true. That's why I've made my mind. I'm going headstrong into this, and I know I can do it, better than anyone had expected. I am not going to give up. Maybe sometimes in your pursuit of what you want, you'll will somehow end up disappointing others. It doesn't matter. You've got to take control of your own life, no? I know I can do this.

To everyone out there who's chasing your dream after your results yesterday, all the very best. At least I know God is on my side. I couldn't ask for more. I want to have fun and love doing what I do. Like The Wanted.
Or Usain Bolt. The joy they find in what they do. Not the eagerness in wanting to prove something. The pride of sharing their experience with another, it's a wonderful thing. Doesn't matter if anyone cares how my birthday is going to be celebrated, this will be a birthday I'm going to be very proud of myself. I've made it this far, and I'm looking at bigger things ahead of me. Thank you Lord. It's obvious, what doesn't kill makes you stronger. The past one and a half year has.

Hypnotised by Drums, Until Forever Comes.

I could get used to this life everyday, naturally without the constant scoldings from mother dearest. I only hope it's a phase every teenager would be going through, or else it's pretty unfair, don't you think?! My mere existence within this house irks her perhaps, because I wake up at a late 7, while she has to wake up at 5.30am. Forgive me, for this privilege I'm bestowed upon, mother. Honestly. But I know, she couldn't live without me, even if she wants to.
It has been fairly a breeze, life is. What with wanting to learn something new every day, I'm not doing too bad. Not that it has been fantastic. But, not bad. There's just so much to learn, I don't know where to start! But the interesting part of 'doing something', is my study on human behaviour. Human. Their characteristics. Their ideas. What goes through their head. I find human, a fascinating study. I try not to judge a person too fast. Not by their appearance, oh no. Because like the next human being, I would be making occasional grave mistakes, and that wouldn't add me up as nice, wouldn't it? Human has always been too fast to decide whether they are going to like someone or not, just by looking at that person. And most of the time, the 'good-looking ones', always end up at the throne. The confidence they feed on, my my, you would think that they think they are gliding amongst the clouds. That's just is. Forgive for it might sound harsh, but honestly, I don't get it. And how would you know a person KNOWS the fact that they are beautiful? Social networking sites. I wonder how some people never fail to post a picture EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Picture, a picture of themselves. In various poses. The Internet has been quick to grasp this fact and the jokes flying around. It gives us good laugh, but, far from stopping this what I call utter ridiculousness. Pointless pictures. Pictures with captions about them getting new bracelets, new bag, but what you get is the signature model-esque poses trying to show those beautiful faces they are very much proud about.
Oh, society. They have defined perfection with a stranglehold to it, that anything out of the ordinary is scoffed it. The perfect face. The perfect eyes. The perfect body. The perfect hair. Yes, yes, such is the importance of a person's appearance, that anything different is laughed at. I wouldn't understand it.
And then you get the ever increasing fake products in the market today. BECAUSE YOU NEED TO ATTEND A PARTY WITH THOSE LONG EYELASHES, OR ELSE YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD GET LOST BEFORE WE LAUGH AT YOU. Let's not get started with the make-up products. I'm a girl. Recently I purchased a new make-up set. Eye shadows of a variety of colours. Lip glosses. Mascara. Eye liner. etc. I stare at them, not getting the hype over these things. Almost nineteen, and this is the first time I'm having these things, as my own. My history with make-up, could be counted with my fingers on my right hand. Pre-school concerts. That choir competition when I was ten. Cousin's wedding last year. And most recently, prom night. Prom was the perfect example of the human obsession towards 'looking good.' You walk into the hotel, and you find yourself not recognising anyone at first glance. The girls of course. Hidden behind those weights of make-up.
It's alright wanting to look your best. In fact it's good. But getting carried away? I got carried away too, I must say. What were we talking again? Ahhh yes, the human mind. HUMAN PRIORITIES TODAY. And how it affects judging another today. Social networks are the perfect place to study a person. Go on, FACEBOOK. You are not JUDGING yet, you are studying. Two different things. You may argue with me, but I'm not going to waste my time. I do not place a person in a specific category. That;s judging. But I get mind-blown at the priorities people put into perspectives. What is important and what is not. It has been ages since I've posted anything personal on Facebook, I've come a long way. Bad experience, painful moments. Yeah right, like I CARE.
When I first signed up in Facebook, I thought we were supposed to keep in contact with friends and people of the same interests. KEEP IN CONTACT. But as time moves on, all I see is...photos of themselves EVERY SINGLE DAY, the attention they are asking for, possibly to tell the world that they too could have a good shot of modelling to rank themselves among the likes of Gisele Bundchen, Irina Shayk and Bar Rafaelli, not just for the sake of updating people from time to time on how much they have grown. Updating people? Yeah cause you are evolving everyday like a Metamorphmagus. Pink hair today, purple hair the next. WHEN WILL PERSONALITIES GET A CHANCE TO SPEAK OUT? And the statuses. Just woah. You can see it for yourself which statuses gain the most likes. (Boyfriend's on Facebook that is why, "I need to let the whole world know we had a fight and I need a sympathy from another just so that my boyfriend would get jealous." And Facebook shows the whole new level of Overly Attached Girlfriend. Oh God.
I didn't know posting a status littered with profanities would make me a thousand times cooler because only then I would garner loads of likes. There also happen to be loads of love gurus there, no?
There's just far too many of these. But no, I'm not going to be using these to judge a person. I just find it fascinating, fascinated at the priorities my generation take into account. Just 18, and suffering from severe heartache. As if the world's coming to an end with that. At 14, apparently they are already in love. If there's one thing a lot of people don't understand, I would say it's that THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. Pick yourself up and make a difference to the world, not just yourself.
 I've looked through many profiles, the various personalities, each and every behaviour, every word said, and all I can say is that, IT'S JUST IS SO CONFUSING. Sure, everyone's unique, yet everyone's the same.
I try to look at all these people and find that answer to that one question I've been asking since a kid. I remember when I was six years old, I asked my mother this question, "Ma, are we real?" She wasn't really listening to me and all I got was a "Mmph." But it has always bothered me during my childhood. What if were are all just an illusion? Fragments of imagination. What is holding the universe?

But the question I still don't get till today is, "What are we supposed to live for?"

Maybe it's just me. Twisted confusion within my head. Are we not still running in circles? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just stuck with my thoughts, looking into unspoken depths when the reason could be a lot simpler. Just live. And let fate play the game.

Viva La Espana!

It has been some crazy 48 hours. On Sunday, I was positively losing my mind. Pondering around restlessly, trying not to think. I blogged, I walked around the house, round and round, read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, trying to take a nap in the afternoon but failing to do so, my mind was too loud, refusing to allow me to sleep and forget everything for a bit, and in the evening, I slipped into this zombie in which I hardly spoke to anyone. But I was LOUD, on Twitter. Losing my mind with paranoia.
Because you see, it was the finals on Sunday. More like yesterday morning here in Malaysia, but still official date reads 1st of July. Spain, the team I practically lived for, the past three weeks, is in the finals. But predictions and signs showed that they were AGAINST the odds to win a third major consecutive title. I became very pessimistic, eaten up by my own paranoia, watching the continuous sports news on tv and how a majority of supporters were rooting for the Italians, convinced that they could pull off an upset. I was sure at that time I couldn't stand to watch Spain lose. That game I missed at the World Cup, Spain lost to Switzerland, but apart from that, I have yet to watch Spain losing. I was holding on to that, and also the fact that Fernando Torres have never lost a final in his life. Phew.
SO. 2am my alarm rang. Yeah, I had to sleep, as I wake up at 7am every morning and hell no is my mom allowing me to sleep in. Euro finals or not Euro finals. I was fidgety, very. The closing ceremony in Kiev was incredible! I loved it. It was a very creative concept and a simple ceremony but a heart-warming one. And then.. KICK-OFF. When Jason Dasey was reading out the starting XI for Spain, I was crestfallen, admittedly. I honestly thought Spain was going to go with a striker this time, considering the last time we played 4-6-0 with the Italians, it ended with a draw. NO BUENO. But the moment the match started, I looked at it and wonder, what have I been worrying about all day? MY GOD. THE SPANISH TEAM WERE THAT AMAZING. They were far from the side which brought Portugal all the way to the penalties, far better! All disappointment about not starting with a classic striker drove out of my mind, because the Spanish, stepped it up BIG TIME. They looked like the same side who won the World Cup, possibly even better, because there's no striker. And yet, one, two goals into the net! David Silva's amazing header and Jordi Alba! MY GOD JORDI ALBA. The man is pure class. The movement was magic and Spain completely terrorised the Italians. Italians, who? Antonio Cassano was a shadow of the man whom struck fear the Italian's opponents on the road to the finale. But WHAT HAPPENED? Andrea Pirlo just couldn't match his brilliance against the likes of Xavi Hernandez and Andres Iniesta. THANK GOD XAVI CAME BACK TO FORM. Watching the match, I realise I could afford a smile. Why was I worrying again? Second half, when it was time for substitutions. I was all tied up. Praying Vicente Del Bosque might just hear my plea. You know I wanted to see on the field so bad. He deserves a chance. To just be a part of the team who's going to carry the Cup. Not just a benchwarmer. Off goes David Silva and in comes Pedro Rodriguez. I breathe, thank God it wasn't Cesc Fabregas off. There's only one man who should replace Fabregas... And Fabregas name was called. WHO, WHO? No amount of jubilation can describe what I feel when I saw who was coming on. The stadium rang with his name, "FERNANDO TORRES!". God, dramatic, no? Hahah. And that same moment, my mother, the Italian fan chose to wake up to see the score. I didn't want to look all smug or so happy or whatsoever, the games not over for another 15 minute! But I couldn't help smiling. Hello, Fernando Torres is out there! Mom saw the score, got a mini-heart attack, and says she's going back to sleep. Epic reaction is epic. HAHAH. The game proceeded and I realise I was just too desperate to see Fernando Torres scoring. Aaaah, the possiblities.
I got my wish. He scored. THE MAN SCORED. A crisp finish from a Xavi Hernandez pass and he has written his name alongside Cristiano Ronaldo, Mario Balotelli, Mario Gomez, Alan Dzagoev, and Mario Mandzukic.(What's with the name Mario?) I was victory-dancing, naturally. It's the icing to the cake! Fernando Torres scoring! But little did I know at that time that Fernando Torres would deliberately set up another goal for Spain as Juan Mata, who came a little over a minute to score, thus winning the Golden Boot. I repeat, Spain won the Euro 2012 Cup, AND FERNANDO TORRES WON THE GOLDEN BOOT. Who knew?
Spain rewrote history, by winning the Euro 2008, World Cup 2010, and Euro 2012 and I couldn't have been more proud. VIVA LA ESPANA! Only team in history to do so. The Spanish put on a show in the finals, a show which most of us enjoyed thoroughly. It was jubilation for us Spanish fans, entertainment for real football fans, but agony for Italian fans. Sorry. And who said the tiki taka was all boring and whatsoever?Words were shoved down throats that night, right from the first beauty of a goal from David Silva. That means, you too, Arsene Wenger. Such brilliance, such captivating brilliance. I don't think I've enjoyed a final as much as this! Andres Iniesta, Xavi, Jordi Alba, Gerard Pique, SERGIO RAMOS!, Alvaro Albeloa, Cesc Fabregas, Sergio Busquets, David Silva and this man who deserves everything; IKER CASILLAS. Wonderful goalkeeping, and the clean sheets! HE IS GODLIKE. And Fernando Torres is the only player to score in TWO Euro Cup finals. Well, now you know who Fernando Torres is. Grrrr.
His luck stood though. "Fernando Torres has not lost a final in his life."

I must have been the happiest person on Earth, or not. My emotions were shared across the globe with millions of other people, and that, was something special. Days like are always special. I had only wished upon the stars for a Spanish victory albeit however bad were the signs all the way to the final. I got it better. Fernando Torres, who I have always had faith in since the very first time, no matter how good or bad his form is, bagged the Golden Boot and.. I was all emotional, I'll admit. His days were a reflection of mine last 16 months, so that touched something deep. Not that I would expect you to understand. I'm just made of a substance of pure... madness. Like my love for Fernando Jose Torres Sanz.

Just those glorious moments. Some things in life, gets the over-the-top reaction of enthusiasm. But I'm not worried. Just the opposite. The world's full of these moments, I'm just I glad I get to see them. Special times. And I just wish so bad that maybe one day, my time would come. Don't we all? We all wait for that something big to come. With that small voice asking, "Would it?"