Cold Nights, Wet Roads, Lights.

It's just a sad world. A lot of people are just so sad these days. I am definitely one of them. And apparently there's such a thing as Seasonal Affected Depression. I meet the syndromes listed out in this 'depression'. And it's almost like I've given up on hope.
I had imagined life to be like the feeling when I see... loads of balloons. Bouquets of roses. Basket of flowers. A room with shelves right to the ceiling all around, full of books. Strings of light decorated all around. Fairy lights in gardens. A baby's shy smile and laughter. The feeling I get when I listen to Charlie Brown. The smile on my face each time I watch Wanted Wednesday videos. I want it to be permanent. I want something to rely on. I want every thing else to be a lot more beautiful than what I'm experiencing.
I want so much, but you don't get them the way you want them to.
My life started falling apart these two years. I am bugged with insecurities after insecurities. I've cried more than I ever did for seventeen years. Don't know if it's going to end any time soon. I just want a way to let this all out, and close out all the things that has tore me apart. What am I afraid of? I'm just afraid that it's always going to be this way. For the rest of my life. I need an escapade.

Honestly, I'm trying hard enough to stop caring what would people think about me. If I'm going to be hated for something I am, for being something I am good at, so be it. I'm tired of trying to please everyone and be so nice, and then nothing. Just be nothing. I should have listen to them and my gut feelings. They told me to be myself. Now I know how Cece Frey feels. And right now, she's my hero.
Because we only want to be ourselves.

December is supposed to be a very happy month, damn it.

“Not a lot of people know what it feels like, do they? To be angry in your bones. I mean, they “understand”. Foster parents, teachers, everybody understands; for a while. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after a while they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boy’s home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

—	John Blake