Sometimes when there's just too much in my head, and I need to let it out, I come here. Other times are just to let myself know that, hey, I'm still alive. This time, I need to let it out. I've been in a considerably cheerful mood the past 48 hours, and now I'm feeling depressed like never before. Typical. I should be starting on my assignments, planning and drafting. But I feel like my mind's a complete mess, like I can't do this. Like I need a proper break, see the world, learn to breathe and then focus on my priorities.
What are my priorities? Sometimes, I myself can't answer that. I don't know what I really want in life. I'm still trying to find out. To find out what I want out of life, what I want to be.
I don't want to be in a relationship like most girls my age. No. But with all this weird things happening in my life, all of sudden I feel weak, and shallow. And it's something I hate to feel. I have always wanted things to go my way, but obviously that hardly ever happens. And then you get all that ranting and unnecessary anger I feel up to a point. I can't be in control of myself, how ever am I gonna be in control of my life.
My father may not be the most loving father ever. He's just not the type of father who goes 'my children are my life, I love them to death, and I would give anything for them.' No. Because he had a bad childhood experience with his father, and such bitterness can leave a very deep mark in a person. But he's a father who teaches his kids to always be strong, to always be in control of your own ground and never bow to another. Not directly of course, we don't get a sit down session where he advices us about how life is. No. But we do get an awful loads of scoldings. And I've seen my father working. And making his way from nothing. However much bitter I might feel when he gets into his scolding mode, I must say I am incredibly proud of him. And he's an inspiration like no other.
Just watching him makes me strong. Ambitious. With big dreams. I know I don't think the same way like most people. Although I've had the privilege to meet some people along the way. Doing things their way. I want something big out of my life, something I can be proud of.
It's just sometimes, I feel weak and shallow. Like I want to be ignorant, feel young and have fun like how people stereotyped young people these days. I should hit myself for even wanting that. Because that's not who I am, who I've grown up to be. But it's the impulses and shallowness of the moment that comes once in a while when you feel like letting go and to just have fun. We all have that guilty pleasure. But the last thing I want to be while living life, is ignorant. And I want people to know, that I am different. I hate playing by the rules that has already been set out, because to quote Demi Lovato, "Baby, that's not me, no, no."
A huge part of my priorities is to make my father proud. Success is nothing if there's no one to share with, and no one to be proud of you. And he wants me to do well so badly. I know I've let him down in my choice of career, but there's hope. And I'd like him to see that. I know he'd like to see me as a successful corporate figure, and I am ready to take up that challenge. Having a challenge makes every else much much more exciting, and this one, I believe meets the scale of bungy jumping. Sure thing. I want to be the best at what I do, just like him. And I'm a follower of people being the best at what they do. Lewis Hamilton. One of the fastest if not the fastest racer in Formula One. He may not have won multiple world championships, but he has made sure the cameras were trained on him more than anyone else during the race. Rafael Nadal. And outsider at first, until he took his forte, his passion for the red clay courts and made it his own. And it is then everyone hails the King of Clay. The Wanted, before you laugh, I believe you have a misconception that is in turn laughable. Because I have not seen anyone working as hard as The Wanted. They are an example of not following the rules. Because in truth, I agree with them, don't care what anyone else think or say. They never matter.
My family is huge priority. I love them with more than I can say, and I'm blessed with such beautiful people.
My dogs, taught me what real pure love is. Nothing beats the moment I return home from class and seeing him bounding his way to me, asking me to carry him. That's Torres. And Messi, he just wants to be cuddled and played with like every little child wants. They are love.
And then, there's friends. Sometimes I feel dreadfully alone, I push them away. I couldn't express how sorry I really am. No one's perfect and I shouldn't expect so much out of people. Maybe my PMS-ing rage is becoming just so worst. It doesn't matter how many friends I have, as long as they are all nice people. People you can connect to. So thank you.
While people are huge priorities, I want more than anything to learn more, and see more. I want to hold my own ground and succeed with my own efforts. I want to do great things and give a lot more.
It might have made Cece Frey sound demented when she said, "I want to succeed as badly as I want to breathe" but in truth, she's just someone who knows what she want to achieve. Although it couldn't have hurt for her to put it in nicely. But it's important for us to be our own people, I suppose. I've learnt to say no to things I know I shouldn't want. If only the action of it was easier. And I can deal being in a relationship with either Nathan Sykes, Josh Cuthbert, Andy Brown or Ryan Fletcher for now, because hey, how long more do I have before I have to ditch my teenage dream imagination. ;)
I want my life to a continuous Coldplay soundtrack. From Charlie Brown to Yellow to Fix You to Viva La Vida to Paradise to The Scientist to Clocks, etc. on and on. Everything in my life played out to my own beat, my own tune, knowing I'm strong enough to believe in everything. I just need that faith to go on.
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