Waterfall

Do people still blog these days? Seems like it's a fading light. Not as efficient as Facebook, Twitter, maybe? Or are we just lazy. I'll pick the latter. But I'm not ready to abandon it. Not yet. I need a place to vent and breathe. Here I am. We are two weeks into March of 2013. Time, astounds me. Everything just fly past, it's crazy. It's scary. It's not a fucking game where you can just press restart and start all over again. You are stuck in one direction. No pun intended. Man, I can't even use the words without.. Never mind. Anyway, when I come here, I talk about life. Because life is so complicated, sometimes the words get jumbled up in your head, and you'll never quite understood anything. Until you put in on paper. In this case, a blog post.
Firstly; I have an exam coming up. My finals. It will be in May and there's just so much to study and get the hang of, and needless to say, I'm already flipping out. It's crazy. And it's not easy having the mounted expectations on your back, walking around, frightened. I'm expected to score amazing results, obviously. And I took the challenge. Not an easy one. But it is one I welcome. And fingers-crossed that it works out the way I want it to. But I'm feeling a lot more positive than I was at this position last year. At least I've got the gist of what I'm doing. I am not clueless. Thankfully. Right now, I just have to keep going. My productivity rate is bloody inconsistent, and that's terrible! I have loads to do. Yet it's very slow. And I get confused easily. And restless. Sometimes I'm so full of these emotions, it throws me back. Not good. My friend says that I'm a 'person of all emotions.' Well, yes, yes I am.
It's all about pushing yourself and winning your goals. So many people, inspired me. I want to be like them so much. But somehow something comes in between, demotivating. But I learnt positivity is an amazing driving machine. I know a man. There was once, he had everything. He was on top of the world. He succeeded in what he did. He was happy, as he was proud. We all would love to be in his position, no? But just like everything else in life, it did not last. Mistakes after mistakes happened, he became bitter. He almost quit what he did. It pained me watching him. The bitterness and egoism that drove him almost ate him alive. I realise how much negativity can kill a man. It eats him up and destroys him. I didn't know what happened, but all I knew was he allowed positivity to take it's place in him then. I watched a startling recovery, an incredible change. Now he has that genuine smile on his face which could lit up anyone else's. No for real. That man is my idol, and he inspires me. He has a story I could relate to, but what is more important was that he taught me about life. And how when you allow positive things to make it's mark, you are on the right path. We only live once, imagine dying before you have the chance to be a person loved and remembered by people? It's a life of vain, a death of nothingness. It scares me every single day. My dream in life has always been to search for happiness and be an inspiration. Only then I would say that I have truly lived my life the way I want it to. And now I've been given the white paper to set it all out. Work for it, and one day I would look back and see how worth it this all is. So I need to pull myself together and be positive. And achieve what I want to achieve. It's there for the taking, just the effort needs to be paid.
I type this out, hoping I will realise how important it is for me to work harder as of tomorrow. I have no time left to procrastinate. However much I hate studying. 2013 is a year for achievement. I can feel it. It will be worth it. Oh life, you little rascal you. I need the support, thank you. I'm better than what I feel now, I know that. Waaaaay better. A little vanity and self-confidence can't hurt, can it? ;) Work for it, there's all that's left to do now.
Maybe then one day I get what I deserve.
Emotions. Obligations. Goals. Belief. Determination. Dedication. Positivity. Achievement. Happiness.
Things move in circles, things move in straight line. Things we are bound to. 

If I Fail, If I Suceed, At Least I'll Live As I Believe.

I need to talk, rant and let everything out. It's February now! Would you believe that. And the past month was not an easy one, not at all. I need to organise this messed up mind of mine. It's all there, jumbled up, making me feel lousy as always. So yeah.

WHAT I NEED  TO DO:
Well you see, recently, I've been feeling quite ridiculously useless. Like I can't do anything right. Weighed down by insecurities, frightening possibilities, feeling rather lousy. I've always wanted to achieve something. But I need to know that I AM NOT GOING TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IF I DON'T MAKE AN EFFORT. I just have this lazy syndrome, most of the time I feel like lying around, and look up at the skies and dream about all the things I can be and the things I can have, when in reality, I'm not going to get any of those if I don't make an effort. I've got to work! Last month, I tried. But you know what? I ended up with a meltdown. A persistent voice in my head saying I cannot do this. That was my head. My heart meanwhile says that if I give myself the chance to think positive and continue believing, I could actually have all I want. Yeah, I've got a hypocritical mind. I wish it was more effective. I wish I was one of those people who never stopped working. All this while I sit around looking for inspirations, saying one day I am going to be like this, and like that, when we all know it could not happen if I don't work it out. I love the subjects of law, I really do. But when it comes to reading it and memorising, suddenly it doesn't look as attractive any more. How do I tell myself, I have to do it. I keep my work, homework and reading up till the last minute, and then I have this sudden meltdown, losing my mind, scared that history would repeat itself. That, I found out was the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The feeling of worthless. And you know what is the best feeling for me? The power of having knowledge when speaking, of knowing what I do exactly as it is, the pride of triumph. Nothing, beats that when I'm on a roll. This makes me sound like power-hungry batshit crazy and whatever but I've learnt from the mould of life these twenty years and everything my dad has done and put out, that I have to be on my toes, I have to be the best. So here I am, hoping that everytime I'm starting to lose focus, I start losing myself to distractions, and starting to feel laid back, I'll have to push myself to always be on my feet, always working. I HAVE TO WORK. Please drill this in your head. Feels almost like I have a spilt personality here. There is a place I want to get to, so I NEED to get moving. AND DISTRACTIONS. My, don't social networks ruin your day? It does. I can't get out of it. I sit and go on and on and on and waste my time ohmygoodness. I'll have to rectify that too. Work it all out. And I need to breathe. I'm losing it already. Fear manipulates people. Confidence. I'll be needing that right now. And positivity.

PEOPLE ARE LEAVING:

Yes, there are. People I've met in high school. People who I've gotten closer as time goes by, people I've shared laughter, stories and most important of all, memories. Raw perfect wonderful memories to take along as life happens. These people. People who I became the best of friends with. Not that I will never be seeing them ever again, it's just that, the fact that they are leaving to pursue their studies elsewhere, says that we are all growing up. It's serious matter. And I became scared about it. Tearful. Sad. And frightening. We are all growing up so fast, and time just flies by, before we can arrange our steps, we are pushed down the stairs. Nevertheless, I wish all the very best to my friends, and happy growing up. From farewell parties, soon I'll be attending their wedding. Oh God why. 

The workings of life, it's mystery is daunting but exciting. We are all here to learn something. Something big. And achieve our dreams. We can make it. There always is a way. 

So here I leave, saddened by the passing of time, me being pushed into positions and situations I've never imagine could happen, wishing the best for my friends and trying to work things out, and most importantly, making it happen. It's always about making things happen. Maybe I'm just bitterly tired of seeing other people making things happen and I'm not doing anything enough. I need to find a way to work things threaded with my inspirations. And show a lot of people, as Peeta would say, "I want to show them that they don't own me." Or something like that. So let's make it happen. 

If you read this blog consistently, you will realise how contradictory I am, and how extremely hypocritical I can be. Yeah well, welcome to my life.

"Don't hate.. Appreciate."

The value of experience is not appreciated, until we look back. And stare at it. Wishing the moment would come back. Experience is something that walks hand in hand with memory. With memory, comes experiences we have subconciously learnt from, be it bad or good. And it teaches us so much. It makes us, who we are. Shaped us, moulded us, created and then left broken. For me, every book I've read was an experience. Every movie I've watched was an experience. Every show I obsess with was an experience. Because I learnt, and I was inspired. More than anything I have lived through them. The books, the movies. The people. Life gives you road bumps, and plenty of attacks. So how do you live without being inspired? I constantly look to things to be inspired. And then I try to be an inspiration. And twenty years now, I see that life, is to inspire and to be inspired. A simple answer amidst the complication. And love stands by the inspiration. Always have. Always will.

It's Time To Begin, Isn't It?

2013 is here! I can finally breathe and take in the New Year. I'm done with all the major assignments for the first year. Relief, excitement, happiness, peace. I am prepared to look at all the beautiful, bright and vibrant colours for the year. It's time I should not see the year as just another year. I want to have things done. I want to achieve something. So here's some resolutions which I will put forward but I cannot guarantee that I will have them done. It's bound to fail. Oh, no, I shouldn't allow negativity. But hey, at least I have something to look forward to, a proper state of mind, and knowing my goals. At least I try. And to all the suckers who make fun of people who says that a new year equals new start, you, my friend, need to start living. A new year gives many the hope, the spirit, and belief. Never make fun of that. It's makes a person who they are. If they have resolutions, at least they are living, and making the best of it. At least they are aiming to become a better person. So here's my resolutions, and fingers crossed, I want them to work out.

-2013 is a year for me to prove my worth. Because I've let so many people down last year, I've got to pick up and stand my ground. We Leos' shall never disappoint. ;)

-Lose weight. I mean pretty much A LOT OF PEOPLE probably have the same resolution every single year. I was making a fantastic progress last year July till August, and then somehow I lost the progress, and then in October, I manage to lose more, but then came in the assignments, the crazy stressful times, and I lost control. Temptations. Also it was after Deepavali. Ahhh, LIFE. You drive a hard bargain. AND THE FOOD IN JAPAN. You can't blame me. It was so good.

-I need to smile more, laugh more, talk so much more. As if I'm not doing that already. But you know, last year I held myself a lot. I was insecure. I don't want to face them same old depression again. It gets really tiring. I want to make every second count. And make 'beautiful' the adjective of the year. Because life is just that. :)

-Read more story books. I do read a lot. But this year I don't want to stop. Okay maybe during my finals. But I've read so many good books last year, and a lot of them are pretty eye-opening, it feels great to share feelings through those books. Also I've been more flexible, I've moved on to other genres, getting the feel of things, the feel of life. Feels AMAZING. We've got some great authors out there. I have not exactly abandoned my genre of fantasy/young adult novels, but I see a great reduce where it's concern.

-START PLAYING MY PIANO. I have not touched Merida, my piano for 4 to 5 months now! After years of living on it, I've abandoned it, and I feel bad. I should.Spending just to much time with Cambriel the guitar. Oh, and I've named them, yes. In fact, I've named a lot of my possessions. Feel like home. :)

-This year, I should get working experience during my three months break. Learn something. Understand a lot more about life.

-I want to learn at least one foreign language. I felt completely toothless in Japan with it's foreign language, almost choking. Next time I'm going to country with foreign language, I'll make sure I have learnt the language. At least enough of it to ask questions. I have French, Italian, Spanish, Japanese and Korean on my mind. And it's high time I start speaking Mandarin.

-Blog more. 2011, I blog pretty much everyday. 2012, it became a monthly progress. Well I can try.
-I want to do a piece of art every month. I'll try to stick to this resolution. So I should have at least twelve pieces of art this entire year! Sounds exciting. Hopefully it's doable. It has to be. I want it to.

-Watch a couple of Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale's previous movies which I haven't watched. I have a good record with Christian, I missed out on a couple of Hugh Jackman's box office smashes. UNIFI DON'T FAIL ME.

-Just be myself. AND BE SURE OF WHO I AM. Try not to be put down by others, and carry myself with a sense of pride many others can't achieve. I think if I can do this and put enough effort to hold myself the way I want to without bowing to things that bully me like last year, sure enough I'll be very proud. AND I want to work hard. Harder than ever. Because I know I can if I put my heart into it. It's something I learnt last year. No mountains can be conquered without the effort you put in ya know. :)

There ya go, TEN resolutions to meet up to, ten things to keep my mind set on what I want to do for the year. To meet up to them is one thing, but at least I want to have tried.

I want magic to happen. Magic which only my heart knows of. There's more to life than what you see. In fact, like Rafiki said in The Lion King, "See beyond what you see." 

It's time to begin, isn't it, I'll get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was.. Now don't you understand, I'm never changing who I am.