Here, I am back, to rant about life as I know it. YEAH IT SUCK SO BAD.
Something is wrong with me today. Completely wrong. There's this anxiety building in me, the silent one which threatens to choke, and suffocate. And oh my the restlessness. And everything fell apart today. Just one of those days where I couldn't lift myself up. And the anxiety I felt, the creeping suffocation, reminds me too exactly of how I feel a day before exams during A-Levels. The fear, the loud paranoia and worst of all, the complete hopelessness. I just don't understanding why am I stuck with this feeling. I've been reading a story book, (a quite unhealthy one about vampires, murders and freaky suspense) in bed ALL DAY LONG and I find myself unable to differentiate between reality and... fantasy. And there's the regenerated fear for Mondays. I cannot sit in a classroom for four straight hours, watching people who are from an entirely different realm from me. Maybe that's the problem. Fear of going to class? I'm making friends progressively well, not too many nor none at all, but I felt like I haven't found the right one. Maybe that is what that has been nagging me all this while. Everyone is so... different. I just couldn't find that person I could connect with. Like in Taylors' I've had bad moments, but I had someone, or mind you, a group of people who makes me feel at home. There's Rachel Saw. Very importantly, she was one of the people I could really really connect with, and made my classes worth attending. (Somewhere along the road last year, I lost myself.) She is amazing. We had so much fun gossiping about things and incredibly the crazy things we have done and talked about. I CAN'T FIND ANYONE, ANYONE! TO BE CRAZY WITH HERE! I doubt normal teenagers talk the way Rachel and me do. Not those boy talk or clothes or whatever girls speak about these days, she spends her time talking obsesssively on world domination plans and I rebutted them, and then there's our favourite genre of book talk, fantasy! And celebrities. Singers, actors. How we both loooove Ke$ha. NOT. I NEED YOU HERE RACHEL SAW. I need a little insanity in life to remain sane here.
And my best boy and girl, Christina and Bryan. We keep up ALL THE TIME, yet it's never quite the same. Occasionally there's this thing we go crazy on twitter or whatsapp, the usual teasing, Christina's new crush, Bryan's not-so-failproof way of winning HIS crush, and the regular Batman dialogue talks, but it's not the same having them next to me. GOD, EVERYONE'S MOVING ON SO FAST!
I need, really really need someone to connect with. Someone insane. Come on, where ARE YOU?! I have great friends, Ching Yin and Sze Ying are angels, but.. it's just not the same. I need help. I need therapy. Or maybe I just need an escapade from my dad's possessive upbringing of us. There you go, the bitter daughter has been set loose. I love my parents, but I wish that they could give me a breather. Have real fun for once. Because right now, I'm just a bitter, moody and restless teenager out of touch of the sense of belonging. I need faith. And it would help if there at least give me the motivation and support. I'm tired of the constant doubts and misunderstood perceptions. I was hoping He would help me with that. Give me someone, ANYONE, who's a lot like me, yet not quite the same, who's certifiably crazy, with crazy but amazing ideas, who laughs like there's no tomorrow and who could make me feel at home. Just clone yourself, Rachel. I'm being an emotional wreck.
Dear Chris, it's always tough to lose a loved one, but you know they'll be in a better place. Among the stars, in heaven. Hoping you are staying strong at these moments.
On a side note, I'm dreading class tomorrow, SO BAD. Freshers night was last friday, (which I didn't attend, obviously) so most of my classmates have already broke the ice and already start being chummy with each other.. and then there's us. The social outcasts. Plus I'm tired of seeing a lot of those fake plastics inconsiderate boring sickening people with that weird priorities like looking pretty and "YOLO" kinda thing, I mean come on, how can you be so oblivious with the real life? Ignorance. Such ignorance.
Or maybe I'm just bitter. Whatever.
Yeah, we got this Bruce.
No comments:
Post a Comment