Believing all that shit is gonna heal your soul.

When people go, "What is life?", I see myself watching from the outside. Like the word 'life' is a complete foreign term. Because I don't want reality to be 'life'. But then again, when are we ever satisfied?

First, you think the worst is a broken heart.

Hullo. It's November already and the week I've been waiting for months now is here! Celebrations! I love this time of the year. Like how most people hold on to Christmas every year, I wait for Deepavali, or Diwali, more commonly known. You get excited. Wanting everything to be perfect. Imagining the moments you'll have. The happiness you can't wait to get soak into.
But I learnt the hard way this year, that you will never get what you expect. Not even 10% of it. It has always been the opposite, a disaster, leaving you all broken down. For example, my birthday, this year. It was supposed to be really special. Well, I am nineteen, and August 19th, had meant so much to me. In fact the numbers 19, 1 and 9 have always been a big part of my life. I always somehow manage to connect things to those number. Hey, what's life without those self-constructed coincidences. And I expected this birthday to be amazing. What more, it fell on Sunday! I haven't had a birthday on a holiday for ages, and definitely not on a weekend for years now. AND it was on the first day of Hari Raya. So much of lovely coincidences, you'd expect it to be perfect. Well, I did. And I was dead wrong. A friend of mine thought they could have my celebration in Sunway Pyramid, it would be fun and everything. Honestly, he was such a sweetheart. I couldn't thank him more. But, well, the others didn't really cooperate, they wanted to have fun for themselves, so they ended up doing something I do not like. I didn't join, because I just couldn't bring myself to and I remove myself from the spotlight. Not that I ever was. Typical of me. It was the lousiest birthday celebration ever, because after I said I won't join them and sat at the side, no one cared how I felt. I was just there, being ignored. It was hurtful. And here I am being all bitter about it. Sometimes, if you're like me, you'd just want to be heard, about how lonely you feel, and lost. And insecure. Because there's no one willing to watch your back. I know I've been nothing but nice to people, most of the time. Compliment them, make them feel happy. Just feel I don't get it in return. Sounds probably childish that the only presents I got this year, was three Batman figurines from my dad, because that is exactly what I wanted. And then, there's those lovely accessories from my aunt and uncle and then there's that amazing card from Afiqah who is just so incredible. And that's it. What about the people I believed who are closed to my heart? Who were, to be exact. I pushed everyone away, in these two weeks. There's never anyone real or genuine. Then there's these people called friends, who promised me they will come around for a hang out, for lunch or movie, and then bail out at the very last minute. Last minute as in on that day itself. One of them was asleep, and not willing to wake up and join me. But then you see them going around for gatherings elsewhere, with other mutual friends, naturally to gatherings I wasn't invited to. Because I'm not important enough. Hahah.
I realise, I've never fit in anywhere. People I care and love so much just treat me like I'm just another junk in their life. I'm being pathetic, I know, but hey, it's the truth. I want to believe that it could be a misunderstanding, but it's not. Everyone else had a better birthday celebration than me, and they flaunt it on Facebook, like woooo in yo face. Why, thank you. You see, the person, me, who wanted an amazing celebration THE MOST, gets THE WORST. I could go on. Wondering what's wrong with me. But I've given up. I've given up on everyone, who's ever meant something to me. As long as I've got someone to talk to in class, and during my entire train ride, I'll survive. I've got my books I get lost into, I've got music which has always been there no matter what, I've got the people who doesn't even know I exist. Maybe it's easier that way. I've learnt a lot more, being silent and observant. And just stop with all those nonsense about being here for me and shit. I do believe I'm dealing with 'authentic suck-ups and two-faced phoneys', nothing you say is gonna justify yourself. Because everyone else is having the time of their lives, no? Everyone else have their ideal birthday celebrations come to life, everyone else have friends who genuinely care. And I'm here like, "fuck all of you." Pretty much why I've given up on hoping for a happy Deepavali. That reminds me, I invited some bunch of friends from high school to my open house last year, no one turn up, no? Just the ones from college.
 So don't pretend you care for me, or ever, be happy for me. No one ever is. Except for my dogs.


And a very Happy Deepavali to everyone.

And the sixth, is when you admit, you may have fucked up a little.

You Either Die A Hero, Or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villian.

So, I felt the need to blog twice in a day. The first to let everyone know I am still alive and blooming well, and the second, let's go to some serious stuff. Like, who really is my hero. WHO INSPIRES ME SO MUCH, that I get on every day hoping so much I'll be in his place someday. He struts with some unspoken philosophy, something I saw and understand and I pray to speak that language. He is someone who made me realise that life has it's purposes, YOU, have your purposes. Ignorance is unforgivable, you have a role to serve. And to serve it, to have to create the role and make it your own. He is a man living the reality of the character he plays in those box office hit movies.

And he is, Batman. No seriously, I'm talking about Christian Bale. Christian Charles Philip Bale.Christian finally got to meet activist Chen Guangcheng, who is blind, and presented with him the Human Rights First award. 
"A lawyer, Chen was punished by the Chinese government after documenting and speaking out against injustices in the country, including alleged forced abortions." THAT, WORLD, is Chen Guangcheng. A noble soul. A real hero. 

As reported, this is the story between Christian Bale and Chen Guangcheng:
'Bale sought to meet him, along with a CNN camera crew, last December when Chen was on house arrest. The actor drove eight hours from Beijing -- where he was celebrating the premiere of his film "Flowers of War" -- to Dongshigu. There he was met by a group of unidentified Chinese security officers. The officers clearly did not want Bale and the crew getting close to Chen, deterring them with physical force. When Bale and the crew decided to leave peacefully, the officers continued to chase them by car.

Chen escaped house arrest earlier this year, seeking refuge at China's U.S. embassy, which ignited a diplomatic crisis. Chen was eventually allowed to leave China with his family and now resides in New York where he is studying law at NYU. He also has a memoir due out next year.'

And would you believe that. I read this, and it broke my heart. To think there are amazing people like these men in real life, and yet what we doing with our life? At times it makes me feel, put down, you know? It has always been my biggest dream to achieve that position in life where I could help and stand up for people. I've been reading and watching injustices happening each day, and yet there is nothing I could do. Occasionally I stand up for someone who needs the support, even with the words hurled at my way, I was still proud I did it. Even if it creates the strain in some valuable relationship I have with people. This, is true. It breaks my heart to see that particular person being bullied almost every day, and I do my best. But at times, I feel that it is not enough. I am not enough of a person to stand up for another. Makes me feel inferior. And that is why Christian Bale is such an inspiration. Another person who has won me, is Adam Levine. Trust me, I am not the person to be swooning over Adam Levine because he's hot. I have Fernando Torres for that. But some things Adam says on The Voice, tears me up. Because it's so powerful. Like when the 16 year old didnt impress the judges with his performance, but his heart-rendering story and life struggles touches all of us, Adam said something really powerful there. "You were way better than I was at your age." If that doesn't give hope, I don't know what does. And the time when he stood up for De'borah during the battle rounds, saying what she need to hear, the real motivation for someone who doesn't fit in society, that is incredible. 

Back to Christian Bale, what he did was incredible. China needed a hero to look up to, and Christian Bale standing up for Chen Guangcheng is everything an activist needed. The needed the fire for his cause. God knows how much the world needs of men like these. In fact we all need more real life Batmans around. And no one said you can't be one. 

Give me a chance I'll make a, permanent reservation.

Two more days, and it's November! Holy cow, how the hell did we reach here?! I SWEAR, I can remember the 1st of January like it was yesterday. It's like I can feel each and every day as it goes by, and I can feel it go by very fast at the same time. Aaaaand, I've not achieved anything that would make myself proud. Hmph. Second year in a row. I don't know, these two year, it seems like I've taken my foot off the pedal. Settle down and watch as life goes by. And for some crazy reason, I actually like it. Because I learnt so much about life. No, really. And I learn to try not to be ignorant. Life is too extremely short to be ignorant. One moment I was a seven year old carrying my new school bag, donning my new uniform anxiously finding my classroom with my dad on the first day of school (I was late for class.) and now I'm an emotional, sensitive, certifiably crazy during my PMS moments, cussing, confused teenager. If there's one thing that has really changed in me this past year, is that I have began to explore into the colourful world of profanities. Yes, you heard that right. The number of time I go, "Well, FUCK YOU TOO." is unprecedented. I'm that bitter teenager. And I hate a lot of people.
Actually I'm much better off than I was during my last post. I'm actually having fun. Not that I made new friends, but you know, I have a comfy home, and the flow of entertainments, I can survive. I'm having so much fun, that I'm beginning to slack in my homework. DAMN. To be truthful, since elementary school, I have NEVER KEPT UP with homework. Always the last minute job. I doubt that's gonna change anytime soon. My lecturer gave some Criminal Law assignments due this Wednesday, a month ago, and guess what? I have not finished it. AND IT'S A LOT. Good job, Deena, GREAT job in fact. Sigh. I'll get it done tomorrow.
Last Saturday, we had a gathering with the old gang. Bryan, Brian, Chris, Wei Sze, Eu Jian, Kern Yen, Vincent and me. GOD I MISSED THEM SO MUCH. And thankfully, they haven't changed much. And I'm hoping they won't. Lol. I was scrutinising them, but they're fun, and normal. If you want to call them normal. I mean at least they haven't sprout tentacles and an extra limb at the back or something. Always a good time with them. And I've learnt that these are the people worth fighting to keep in your life.

Life suuureee have it's crazy way of working. LIKE THE FACT FERNANDO TORRES GOT HIS SECOND RED CARD IN A PERIOD OF MORE OR LESS A YEAR. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. THIS. WORLD.

I'm fine, don't worry. I'm not crazy, I'm just.. well I'm being normal. A big messed-up paranoid teenager.

I'm all alone at the crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home.

Here, I am back, to rant about life as I know it. YEAH IT SUCK SO BAD.
Something is wrong with me today. Completely wrong. There's this anxiety building in me, the silent one which threatens to choke, and suffocate. And oh my the restlessness. And everything fell apart today. Just one of those days where I couldn't lift myself up. And the anxiety I felt, the creeping suffocation, reminds me too exactly of how I feel a day before exams during A-Levels. The fear, the loud paranoia and worst of all, the complete hopelessness. I just don't understanding why am I stuck with this feeling. I've been reading a story book, (a quite unhealthy one about vampires, murders and freaky suspense) in bed ALL DAY LONG and I find myself unable to differentiate between reality and... fantasy. And there's the regenerated fear for Mondays. I cannot sit in a classroom for four straight hours, watching people who are from an entirely different realm from me. Maybe that's the problem. Fear of going to class? I'm making friends progressively well, not too many nor none at all, but I felt like I haven't found the right one. Maybe that is what that has been nagging me all this while. Everyone is so... different. I just couldn't find that person I could connect with. Like in Taylors' I've had bad moments, but I had someone, or mind you, a group of people who makes me feel at home. There's Rachel Saw. Very importantly, she was one of the people I could really really connect with, and made my classes worth attending. (Somewhere along the road last year, I lost myself.) She is amazing. We had so much fun gossiping about things and incredibly the crazy things we have done and talked about. I CAN'T FIND ANYONE, ANYONE! TO BE CRAZY WITH HERE! I doubt normal teenagers talk the way Rachel and me do. Not those boy talk or clothes or whatever girls speak about these days, she spends her time talking obsesssively on world domination plans and I rebutted them, and then there's our favourite genre of book talk, fantasy! And celebrities. Singers, actors. How we both loooove Ke$ha. NOT. I NEED YOU HERE RACHEL SAW. I need a little insanity in life to remain sane here.
And my best boy and girl, Christina and Bryan. We keep up ALL THE TIME, yet it's never quite the same. Occasionally there's this thing we go crazy on twitter or whatsapp, the usual teasing, Christina's new crush, Bryan's not-so-failproof way of winning HIS crush, and the regular Batman dialogue talks, but it's not the same having them next to me. GOD, EVERYONE'S MOVING ON SO FAST!
I need, really really need someone to connect with. Someone insane. Come on, where ARE YOU?! I have great friends, Ching Yin and Sze Ying are angels, but.. it's just not the same. I need help. I need therapy. Or maybe I just need an escapade from my dad's possessive upbringing of us. There you go, the bitter daughter has been set loose. I love my parents, but I wish that they could give me a breather. Have real fun for once. Because right now, I'm just a bitter, moody and restless teenager out of touch of the sense of belonging. I need faith. And it would help if there at least give me the motivation and support. I'm tired of the constant doubts and misunderstood perceptions. I was hoping He would help me with that. Give me someone, ANYONE, who's a lot like me, yet not quite the same, who's certifiably crazy, with crazy but amazing ideas, who laughs like there's no tomorrow and who could make me feel at home. Just clone yourself, Rachel. I'm being an emotional wreck.

Dear Chris, it's always tough to lose a loved one, but you know they'll be in a better place. Among the stars, in heaven. Hoping you are staying strong at these moments.


On a side note, I'm dreading class tomorrow, SO BAD. Freshers night was last friday, (which I didn't attend, obviously) so most of my classmates have already broke the ice and already start being chummy with each other.. and then there's us. The social outcasts. Plus I'm tired of seeing a lot of those fake plastics inconsiderate boring sickening people with that weird priorities like looking pretty and "YOLO" kinda thing, I mean come on, how can you be so oblivious with the real life? Ignorance. Such ignorance.

Or maybe I'm just bitter. Whatever.

Yeah, we got this Bruce. 

Found you in a river of pure emotions!

The post, is seemingly aptly titled. River of pure emotions. Exactly where I was the past few weeks. You do know what it's like to be so overwhelmed with reality, that you just step out of it, not wanting to get involved in anything? Maybe I'm merely exaggerating. The last few weeks, has been whoa. I mean, it wasn't entirely bad, but me, the kid who can adapt to any situation anywhere anytime, I HAD A BAAAAD TIME trying to get used to the.. environment. Like I completely zoned out of life. I talked to no one but Gillian. True story. Whatever happened to me? I just couldn't get used to things. That's all. The subjects were great, very interesting, and doing something entirely new and fresh, definitely feels ama-zing. The lecturers make them wonderful, there's no doubt about that. But the bitter part of me? The homesickness in me. Homesick? Well I miss my friends so badly! The problem with me was I was building a wall around me. I keep saying to myself, I can never find great people like the ones I left back there. But I soon got over it. Soon as in this week. Allow myself to smile and make new friends. GOD, I'm such a drama person. Most people say, "Just go with the flow." You try and see lah. The thing about expectations, when you have them, they always let you down. Well most of the time. Because sometimes you tend to expect below par. Actually that hardly ever happens. But yeah. I was.. hoping to do something bigger, you know? All I know now is for the next two years I'll be needing to devote myself to studying. I want to do something MORE. Go out there and... start a revolution or something? Just kidding. But yeah, discover something new.
Just me feeling worthless. These moments, hit me so hard I want to kill myself. I do I expect, I should be President Obama by now? Oh ha ha ha. But I assure you, I got better. To counter the impatience I'm feeling and need to being something big and worthwhile, I set up small goals. Ain't that what life is all about, small things? Like as of next week I'll be using the train every day to and fro. Naturally we are not living in London or whatsoever, so the train rides is not very pretty here eh, but it's experience. :D (Don't bother trying to say anything opposite because for god's sake I'm trying to look at the bright side here, okay?) There are people I met today who travel aaaaallll the way from Seremban EVERY SINGLE DAMN MORNING to Brickfields, to study. And they have been doing it for nearly two years now, since they started on their A-Levels. WHAT THE HELL. And what makes ME think I can't do this. Oh right, the fact I was brought up like a princess, believing life's all a bed of roses. It's not, Deena, and you need to wake up, come on!
Sometimes, I think I convince myself way better than anyone else could, even if I lie to myself. I actually believe my lies. I'm so awesome.
I've been making sure my life is quite exciting, anyway. How? X-Factor US, X-Factor UK, and The Voice. Wooooo. Incredible. The talent pool in The Voice, AMAZING. You don't just get good singers you get GREAT singers. As for the X-factor US, you get all the American weirdos coming in droves. But there are some amazing singers, no doubt. Jeffrey Adam Gutt. Paige Thomas. As for the X-Factor UK where Boot Camp auditions are over and now to the judges house performances, I ONLY HAVE ONE FAVOURITE. How can he NOT be a favourite. Kye Sones. He is AMAZING. Remember that name, Kye Sones. I was really happy when Gary is going to become his mentor. You genius, Simon! I NEED THIS GUY TO WIN SO BAD. I practically watch all the auditions and performances BEFORE it hits the TV. (Well, X-factor UK never does hit our Malaysian channels.)
These things, make me go. Keep pushing. Sports has been a huge let down these days. Mclaren screw up a couple of times, Lewis Hamilton the arguably best racer on track is on the losing end because of his ridiculously ass of a team. Liverpool... We are riding on a wave of complete bad luck. Still chasing our first win of the season, when Chelsea's already 11 points ahead of us. ERGH. Rafael Nadal's still battling injury, he's not coming back anytime now. YET, I'm not giving up on them. Once a Liverpool fan ALWAYS a Liverpool fan. And Lewis and Rafael have NEVER disappointed me on their own accord, so why should I worry? Much love, guys. Life is not  bad.
You just never get things the way you expect them to happen. You just have to make the best of the small things in life. Cheers! 

You can find yourself standing in the hall of fame, and the world's gonna know your name.

You know that feeling of wanting to be positive to everything and take life easy, yet it is not that easy to convince yourself deep down in your heart? I can however easily sum up my first week of my degree programme: Interesting, intriguing, confusing and no less frightening. But I suppose confusion rings a loud bell to me. Half the time I don't know what am I doing with life. You see, most people have a definite ambition as well as goals, which they pay strong belief to. Me? All I feel is complete paranoia. Fear. Sometimes, I get sick of it. Sick of the constant fear I feel. But most of the time, fear gave no space for any sort of emotions. The number of times I feel like putting a pillow over my head and never surface. Let life crawl on in it's own pace, as long I stand at the sidelines merely watching. The constant feel of wanting to cry. And when I think of the expectations heaved on me.. I'm a coward. Afraid of taking risks. Afraid of what another might think. Afraid and afraid of everything. That is when I go to my favourite things, for comfort. Music. Listening to artists who have become a part of me. The Wanted. The Script. Ed Sheeran. Eminem. And occasionally random songs which could potentially lift me up. And then, my favourite story books. To name them all would be tedious, naturally. But there are two series which, holds very close to me. Harry Potter. The books which gave me hope and belief every time I read them. A decade ahead and there isn't a single year which I missed out on reading them. And a recent new found love, The Hunger Games series. The books tell me exactly what the world is like. In reality. How many times have I said, we are all living in a bigger scale and less brutal version of the Hunger Games. True enough, 'everybody's waiting, for the fall-out.' To see you breakdown. People take pleasure in talking about that sad story. With no sympathy, to laugh off another's mistakes, remorselessly. And they complain, the generation these days, have become too soft, too insecure. Or, they go, the generation these days, too brash, too rebellious. We can never please anyone these days, no? Because there's no such thing as perfect. And yet, it is that people these days are looking for. Without the slight understanding that, one man's idea of perfection, is never the same as another's. Life is all like a huge circus. Someone's always the ringmaster, making us run in circles. Except that everyone has a different ringmaster. His whip, are things we fear. Fear is not something that comes naturally, it is man-made. And we fall for that trap.
Life is confusing. Life makes me all confused. What am I to do? My frequently asked question. How am I suppose to live life? Do I consent to the pressure of the society, their diss and hiss allowed into my nightmare, breaking into my defence? Dear God. Some people cannot get the fact why I adore the British boyband, The Wanted so very much. Some may call it shallowness, on my part. The typical today's generation-esque. Fangirling, they say. Obsession over something quite pointless. Well then, here's my defense; You see, this boyband, is a face of today's generation, the brash and bold and rebellious part of us. And yes, it is not too hard to see that as 'today's' generation, we make the pie chart of different characteristics. It's almost like you can see where the strong and weak stands, like an invisible line separating us. Yet, they never realise the strong does not necessarily make the better part of us today, neither does the weak making the useless part of the society. The weak, could be the silent ones, the ones who work their magic with their actions. With a little more love. And care. The strong, are the loud ones, the ones bold enough to make a stand for what makes a better world for them today, with verbal words, and in a way preventing oppression by men who parades around wearing the ringmasters chain.
Back to The Wanted. To me, they are a symbol. Like Batman. But in what way? They didn't see themselves rise to stardom as easily as, One Direction? They are people who continued their efforts, genuinely believing that there is hope. That they can make it. Criticism came their way, hurting me and their die-hard fans, but they took it with pride. And the best part, they love what they do. They actually have real fun in what they do. They laugh. They joke. They make fun of themselves. Society's biggest problem today, is the inability to make fun at themselves. Eaten up by ego bigger than themselves, they scorn at what may be stereotyped imperfections, believing that they are way above the other. The moment a man thinks in such a way, is the moment a man falls from his perch. Falling and falling until he can stop himself with a humble root. No one is ever above another.
I may be just nineteen, not old enough to have seen and experience a large part of life, and the world itself, but I am thankful to my parents for raising me up in a way I am not ignorant to the world and everything around me. I grew up observant, learning from another. I learnt the emotions and experiences of my favourite sportspeople, not merely supporting them to win. I learnt from their defeat. I learnt how to accept criticism from the criticism they received. I learnt to make better decisions from their well-documented mistakes. It may imply hear that you might think I think myself to be perfect, but I beg to difer, I am far from it. I am learning to live. And the important part about living: is learning. I make sure learning is a part of my daily life, because only then I am living my life, no? What tower are we all climbing, yearning to reach the peak? It's never about the destination, it's about the journey. The journey, in which I constantly fear. And I am holding on to hope.

Now it seems a world away, but I miss the thing, are we ever gonna feel the same?

Hello and it's September. Can you believe it? What happened to the last eight months? But I must say I am very happy to see the back of them, wouldn't want to go back even if I get the chance. In a law school right now. Pretty interesting. I must say Taylors' was a million times more comfortable than my current place, but you can't always have beds of roses. I love my subjects though. Probably because I'm so sick of all those science subs and mathematics, is history. Honestly, I hate maths. So much. But law, yeah very interesting. VERY. Lecture classes are huge though. Possibly more than 200 people. My only problem however, is the cold room. I just cannot stay within a cold room for long periods of time. 4 hours, today. Got that headache as soon as I came out, and had to nurse it all the way till lunch. (Plus I didn't eat my dinner the night before and breakfast this morning. I was queasy, alright?) In fact, my first day could have been a lot worst. What I don't get is, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST BUILD A NICE CAMPUS THAT WILL ACCOMMODATE FOR ALL OF US AND EVERYONE WOULD LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER? You just don't get it. The hassle we were put through. Good Lord.
But considering I'm the science student venturing into a new realm, it definitely could have been way disastrous. So obviously, I have a lot of work to be done, to be on par, you know? But well, it could be loads fun. At least I wouldn't be completely bored of the subjects unlike those who have done it before right? Hello, optimism right here. But really, I might fall in love with my choice. Who knows.
The resentful part however, is the fact the people I love, are all cooped up in IMU. Oh-kay there's Christina, then Bryan Ong is joining next year, AND Brian Teoh and Jon might be there. And there's a few others of my friends. WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING SCIENCE. I feel like an outcast. Maybe not. Chris and me made a vow. We will always be best friends. No matter what. Here I go making myself cry. As senseless I am at times, you have to agree how hard it is to move away from a part of life which you once believed, you could hold on to. Like your best friend's starting a new life all over, and so am I, honestly, how long can we hold on? At some point, would I be stop asking how her day went? It felt the same once upon a time. When I had a best friend, and then I lost him. Painful. And here I go being emotional. But then again, if people ask me to describe life in two words? I would always say, overwhelming and suffocating. And it's from there exactly, the joys of life are born. Along with loads of love. To those who have always believed in me and accept me as I am, I love you guys so much.
Nothing made my day like the phone call I got from my grandmother this morning. She said she was so happy and proud that I'm starting university today. Thanks, Grandma. I'll make you proud. :')

I need something to rely on.

Things to keep me sane for the next two years:

THE WANTED. Harry Potter. Christina's rantings. The piano, Merida. My guitar, Cambriel. THE WANTED. Story books. (Pravin wants me to catch up and the LOTR series. Uhm, I shall see first.) Bryan Ong's random pick up lines. My family. Formula One. Lewis Hamilton. Rafael Nadal. English Premier League. Liverpool. Fernando Torres. THE WANTED. My favourite Youtubers. Music. Nathan Sykes. Blogging. Movies. THE WANTED. More of Christina's rantings.

I'm just so afraid I'll lose my mind. Yeah the thing is, I'll be starting my study degree level the week after next. AND I'll be all alone in a big city, and after all those years of pampering from my family, I don't think this will be all a bed of roses. COMPLETELY unexpected. I hadn't expected to find a place for lodging nearby, and somehow it did. Godsend, I want to believe it. But if one thing's for sure, I'll be blogging alot. I think. Well you see, I AM socially awkward. AND I'm leaving the best of my friends behind, and moving on alone to embark on a journey with is quite frightening to say the least. AND AND AND the crowd I'm about to face in my university, isn't really the kind who I can totally click. I mean, I AM socially awkward. I just don't go with anybody and everybody. Yeah, I am an ass. Though there are nice people like Nadia, Ching Yin and Sze Ying, THEY'RE ARE NOT STAYING THERE. See the difference? Few hours of classes, and then ,I'm on my one. And I am hell bent on doing well there. I have to do this.
OH, WHAT THE HELL. If socially awkward is what I am, socially awkward is what I'll be. Whatever. I'll be the awesome socially awkward person. SHOUTOUT TO RACHEL SAW: I'LL MISS YOU, WOMAN. Don't think I can find anyone else like you. After one and a half year, and next thing I know, there will not be any Rachel Saw to entertain me. Sighs.
Why am I even blogging all this, I know not.

Says Nathan Sykes, "Victory, shall be mine." 

You're in control pressing pause on my heartbeat?

It's the last week as an eighteen year old. Eighteen was a nightmare, I tell you, and how very much I want to put the past behind. Put it behind but not forget it, naturally. Because there are good things to it. And I've met loads of wonderful people in the past one and a half year, it's not too bad.

If I get a birthday cake this year, (note that IF, because there's no celebration at home this nineteenth.) there would be just so many things I would wish for. The same things I wish upon the brightest star on certain nights. (The recent haze has bitterly disappointed me everytime I go outside in search for the stars.) Now that I've got a clear view as to what I am going to be facing in my future, I am PETRIFIED. So scared, that at times, it bothers me while I sleep at night, I had to wake up, read Harry Potter, THEN go back to sleep. But we are not talking about my fears here. I can't find words to describe how afraid I am. And I must be the only one. The paranoid parrot.

If there's a wish I DON'T wish upon a star, it must be for a very shallow reason. Don't ask me why, everyone has that depth of shallowness in them. Of course depths vary according to individuals, but without shallowness, how are we ever going to be having fun? So there you go. And I wish... I really really want to marry Nathan Sykes. The guy is practically my REALISTIC dream guy. Not realistic as in I'll have a chance to actually marry him, (Christina has never failed to remind me over and over again that I will never get a chance to date Nath, HEY, I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I?) realistic as in he is the perfect depiction of today's generation. But with good values. Headstrong. Everything I look for in our generation of boys? Because the current wave of male population around me is far from being a the dream teenager. I can't go on elaborating on the 'dream teenager' topic, however.
I'll have to accept the bitter truth that they will NEVER be anyone who is close to the Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne criteria. So easy for teenagers like us today to dream of that perfect Prince Charming in the white horse. Although I've never dreamt of any prince charmings before. When I became old enough to supposingly dream about my other half, I dream about kick-ass billionaires with intelligence next to no other. And a proper attitude naturally. Like I said, Peeta Mellark-meets-Bruce Wayne. BUT THEY DON'T EXIST. They probably do, in that realm where unicorns roam.
SO. The least I could hope for would be Nathan Sykes. Someone like Nathan Sykes. Every single time there are tabloid rumours about him possibly hooking up with another girl, me (and the rest of the world where his fans are) goes, "I can't believe I had to see, the man of my dreams cheating on me.." (That's what he said.) Which are false of course. Ahhh Nathan, you drive us a hard bargain.
Who cares if he's afraid of roller-coaster rides and swimming with sharks? I've got enough bravado to last both of us. BAHAHA. No really. Come on, nobody's perfect. And I've gotten used to going on roller-coaster rides alone. No big deal.
And he looks like Sid the Sloth. Could I love him more?

I wished for a very special nineteenth, at the start of the year. Celebrations, probably not going to happen. BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, IDIOT. To me it's special. It reminds me of how much I need to channel my inner Harry Potter or Katniss Everdeen to face life. I'll be alright. Here's to a first birthday, all by myself. AND NO I'M NOT FISHING FOR SYMPATHIES. Sometimes you need to be alone to find who you really are. You need to bask in the hardest of times to find your capabilities. I'm more than willing to say goodbye, eighteen. Sunday morning, I'll go on a The Wanted marathon. On my iPod. And you know what's even more awesome? I still use my iPod obsessively everyday despite the half-bitten earphones of mine. Yeah, thanks, Torres. So if in the future, you meet me and say something only within the perimeter of the right side of my ear, and I don't answer you, you know my hearing's damage because only the right side of the earphones is working properly. And it's worth my life to ask my dad for a new one. 

I re-read the post again and wondered, what the hell did I just blogged about. Whatever. 

Someday, I'll Be Strong Enough To Lift, Not One But Both Of Us.

This is it. I'm going to begin a new life in two weeks time. A new life? Sounds dramatic, no? Although I do feel that I've gone through the storm and survived. Time for celebration! The thing is, I have successfully enrolled myself in a law school and am looking at a law career path and you have no idea how much I'm dying inside to do so well in this new path. I really really want to do this. And the consultant who helped me enrol today, was amazing. Her words gave off so much confidence and motivation, I feel I can do this. I KNOW I can do this. What can I say, I'm just so excited. Like a child who's been given a new doll.

These few months, the months I've been on break, have been frustrating and plain crazy. Friends who did not do A-Levels for Pre-U, had got themselves enrolled in universities in their respective courses, starting in September. Ditto for some friends who did A-Levels along with me. EVERYONE'S talking about their universities. How they are all excited for the future. How they are all determined to achieve their ambitions.
And then... there's me. Walking around with the feeling of an axe about to drop on my head any moment now. I have zero idea as to what is going to happen to me. What am I going to do. What if my results are too bad to consider any professional course? What if I have to resit my entire A2 examinations? What if my father do me a favour and kill me before I can think of any solutions to my failure? At some point I was so convinced I'm going to fail. Because the scenario kept popping in my head at the randomest of times, over and over again, and in two months, it has convinced me. But, HALLELUJAH! I didn't, and the nightmare I've been dreading, "Please don't make me go back there." did not happen. I am off to a new adventure. My mom can practically see the spring in my steps.

And I've got my mother's blessings, and that's EVERYTHING I could ask for. Her faith. It's what going to keep me moving. My consultant today, Sabrina, had lay out a challenge for me. A chance to prove myself. And I accepted it. 4 years of blood, sweat and tears? I'm up for it. I get pumped up easily, of course. I just wish it could happen. Whatever that I wish for. I don't think I could stand watching myself disappoint my father yet again. It's been long enough.

Sure I can do this. Wish me luck. "I'll do something epic, and they won't forget me, good enough, not good enough for me." :D